Wednesday, May 30, 2012


"You've lost weight." - Murphy, with a smile, after our second hug of Shibaricon

"Well either you're still exercising or you've seriously decreased your calories." - Slut, on our way to registration

"Where have you gone? You're disappearing... Well, not all of you is gone." - Gray, sliding his hand around my stomach, then ending up on my ass

Three different people, without prompting, told me I lost weight within my first few hours of Shibaricon. They just saw me, hugged me, and then casually mentioned this thing that it is so hard for me to believe.

When I look at myself in the mirror, occasionally I glimpse the beautiful person I wish to be. I see the smile in my eyes, the pinchable cheeks, and even, occasionally, the dimples. I see the curly hair and the easy grin.

But no matter how hard I try, because I live with this body every day, I don't see when I loose weight.

I feel it when I self suspend. My breathing is less labored. I hold positions longer. I've just started to work on transitions in air and more challenging poses. That I can feel; my body can feel it.

But when it comes to my weight...

The closest I came to seeing what my friends so sweetly pointed out was, in fact, as I got ready Thursday evening.

I packed two matching sundresses, one red and one blue. As I got prepared for the Thursday night Meet & Greet, I decided to wear my red one. I was in a good mood, having survived the eleven hour road trip, and now able to see my far away friends for an entire weekend.

All ready, showered, shaved, lotioned, and body sprayed, I looked at myself in the mirror. Cute, as per usual.

But that's when I noticed something a little different. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was because I was happy bubbly. But it seemed... it seemed...

Okay, there is no subtle way to put this. My stomach wasn't as noticeable in my dress. I had come to accept that whenever I wore my sundresses, you would see every curve of my tummy. And I was okay with that. Best people see my shape from the onset, so then I'd know they were attracted to me, big girl and all.

But as I looked at myself in the mirror, for the briefest of moments I thought, Um, maybe they're right? As a person who had neglected my usual training schedule for the past month, I was more than a little shocked. But it was the briefest of moments, three blinks of the eye at most.

Pushing away the thought, I headed down stairs. And after snacking on grilled veggies and chatting, a friend and I walked over to greet Gray. His compliment, with accompanying hand slide and hug, was the first thing out of his mouth to me.

One person saying it, they're being nice. Two, thoughtful. Three...

Ok. I guess I've lost weight then.

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