Monday, November 30, 2009

Bad Day

I had hoped my next post would be a wrap up of my Turkey Day Vaca (actual title of soon-to-be entry), but life has once again spoiled my plans.

As of January 1st, or sooner if I so choose, my job position will be eliminated. That's right folks: I've been laid off. The economy sucker punched me today; I am now a statistic.

Of course my life hasn't ended. I have money saved up to help cushion the hardship (thank God for the invention of the Emergency Fund), not to mention an SO helping to pay half the rent. All-in-all, things could be worse. Having said that, I know I'm going to spend a good amount of time in today's therapy session (well scheduled, I know!) trying to allow myself to cry about it.

I hope my next post here will be more fun than this one.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Turkey Day Edition of Photo Friday

Folks, I apologize for my noted absence from this blog. It's not been on purpose that I've lacked in my postings. Instead, it is for this...

the many many scarves I've been knitting & crocheting for family and friends, in lieu of buying presents this year. Yes, I know it seems as if I'm not stimulating the economy like a nice little American consumer, but as you can see by this mound of yarn...

I am in fact doing my part to keep craft stores alive.

On that note, I present more photos for your enjoyment.

The junk in my truck.

More awesome cloud shots.

Fun with trees...

and leaves.

And finally, the joy of perspective, aka My Humongous Hand!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 16, 2009

When It's Easy to Be Ignorant

Lately, I've been thinking about the issue of putting gay marriage/partnerships to a vote. People can't understand why, when you poll folks one month they are for equality for gays, but then the next month it's voted down.

Today I read an article in Newsweek, suggesting maybe it is the portrayal of gay characters in television today influencing people's opinions on the matter: King of Queens. I personally disagree with their argument. They cited how some characters are too stereotypical, how there are more bisexuals instead of lesbians now, and how flaming some contestants have been on Project Runway. Stretch? I would say yes.

I think the votes in California and Massachusetts, to name a few, have precious little to do with television representations of gays. Instead, I think it has to do with the medium GLBTQ rights groups have chosen to push their fight. Sending the issue to the ballot box is a bad idea.

I remember when I was little, going with my mother to the polls, standing behind the curtain with her while she voted. I thought it was awesome, how secretly you were given this time to help choose the destiny of our country. Unfortunately, it is the secrecy that's the problem. When you are in a voting booth, you can be a bigot without anyone knowing.

Putting the rights of any sector of society to a vote is ridiculous and cruel. Of course people voted it down. Can you imagine what would have happened if Jim Crow laws had to be voted down one by one? I'm sure it would have looked somewhat similar to LGBTQ struggles now. Sure, the polling would suggest some tolerance, but giving people the privacy of a voting booth allows them to keep the status quo without being called on it.

State by state voting is not the answer. This has to be a federal fight. Slaves were freed through the Emancipation Proclamation. Jim Crow was ended by the Civil Rights Act & Brown v. Board of Education. Big society altering issues need big government's help to push them forward. Our country does not change its evil ways easily, by any means.

Make people go on the floor of the House and argue why they are not allowing highly trained men and women into our armed forces or kicking out the ones we already have. Make Senators explain why two loving committed adults aren't allowed to bond their lives together legally, why they're not allowed to make a family by adopting unwanted children, or why they can't hold each other when it is time for them to pass on from this life.

Call them on their bullshit. Make them say the hateful awful things in their hearts, and then use it against them in their next election. Make their constituents see who they really are. And testify before their committees. Make them hear your stories. Make them witness the harm their hatered causes.

Stop giving people the voting booth excuse. Piecemeal is not the answer. Go for the piese de resistance.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Yes, it is 2am. No, I do not have tomorrow off and am thereby sacrificing sleep to write this post. Why, you might ask? Because, in yet another reason why I want to loose weight, there is this chic at work I seriously want to bone.

No, I shouldn't call her a chic, especially because she is older and more mature than I. But oh, how I want to do things with her. Her name is Liz. She is this short red head with stories to tell and sexual appeal oozing out of her ALL THE TIME.

She is currently in a bisexual poly-amorous relationship, which makes me think I have at least an inkling of a chance.

And...I got her phone number tonight! Score!

And it turns out, she lives about ten minutes away from me. I had the good fortune of giving her a ride home from work tonight. Seriously, the entire way, all I could think about was how I wanted to fuck her and how I had better not fuck up the conversation, thereby ruining my chances at getting in her pants.

I think the stars may be aligned on this one, or maybe I'm just hoping because I've seriously wanted her from day one.

When it comes to me and my attraction two women, there are two categories/influences: 1) physical & 2) personality. Physical is obvious; people want to fuck attractive women. Personality is more nuanced.

For instance, in high school I grew really close to one friend. I didn't realize it until much too late, but I had fallen for her because of her personality. Who she was was all I wanted to be around and talk to for hours each night on the phone. Basically, personality goes a long way for me.

This woman from work is heavy on #2 with a healthy dose of #1. So I really have no choice but to want her. To me, she is the ideal female paramour.

But alas, I am not a natural pursuer; therefore, for now, I will try to cultivate a friendship that I may, one day, be able to pivot into something physical.

As soon as she got out of my car, I started freaking out. She had been in my car! She had had a one-on-one conversation with me for 1 1/2 hours. She didn't just sit in silence while I conveyed her to her place.

In the car alone, I kept talking to my self, cause I was all hot and bothered. If she had told me to come inside, I would have. I would have done just about anything for her tonight. If only she knew.

The things I want to do to her...

The things I want her to do to me...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Photo Friday/Sunday

So, as per usual, the thing I couldn't find was right in front of my face.

Thus, here is the Sunday edition of Photo Friday.

My Jack-o-Lantern forgot to brush his teeth.

And oh so much candy rotted my pumpkin's brain.

Blood red leaves on a tree in my complex.

I took this photo while on an away trip for work, more for the lines than the view.

The sky outside while waiting for my monthly therapy session.

Scary shadow monster on the office wall.

Gargoyle I came upon while on our way to the Steven Lynch show.

Speaking of, Steven Lynch concert shots at the Lyric Opera House this past Friday. [And yes, it was awesome!]

Those in the know know why this is wrong (and has been fixed).

And finally, a moth on my front door.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Photo Friday Delayed

Sorry folks, you awesome few who actually read my musings. Photo Friday will have to wait a few days.

I seem to have misplaced my memory card reader. Therefore, I have no way to actually post the photos I have taken.

But, be brave; I think I know where it is. However, I have to work an extremely long day tomorrow and should really be in bed right now.

If I am right, Photo Friday will have a Sunday edition. If I am wrong, I'll be sad, but I have the cash to purchase a new reader. So the delay in today's entry will push it to next week.

Once more, I apologize and hope to never do this to you again.


There is this saying when one is in a relationship: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I chose to be happy.

We hugged. I apologized for being bitchy. He told me it was no big deal.

And then we sat and talked about politics for about 30 minutes, which seems odd considering this same topic caused the initial spat, but it worked for us. And by "we talked", I mean he talked and I interjected with side bars every now and again.

So yeah, we're good.

And excited. We're going to a concert tonight. I'll let you know how it goes on Monday, hopefully, assuming I remember or have the time to write.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Always in the Car

My morning has not been fun. I will explain.

As many of you know, yesterday was election day. I was only half interested in the results, seeing as my county did not hold elections. Last night I signed onto Twitter and found through a link an up-to-date posting of results. I went to bed knowing a few things: 1) Virginia still sucks and I refuse to ever live there, 2) Maine was too close to call, 3) NJ you disappointed me, & 4) NY was a split decision that I planned to think about later.

So this morning on the way to work, my SO & I were as usual stuck in rush hour traffic. And unfortunately, he was not asleep. The radio was all a buzz with elections results. No matter where we turned, it seemed we could not get away from it. So finally, we turned the radio off.

Of all the races last night, the one that bothered me the most was for NYC mayor. Before this past election, I had no real opinion on Michael Bloomberg. I knew he was rich and a Republican, but neither of those things in and of themselves would lend me to an opinion on him. But, learning about how he won reelection really irked me. And I said as much to my SO.

I spoke about how sad a state of affairs this world has to be in when money and power can still take one so far and accomplish so much. That a man could outright lie, use his political power to push his own future agenda, and basically treat an elected position like his toy reminded me too much of Iran and Afghanistan elections. It just didn't sit well.

So I say this and, rather than just a head nod from my SO, he starts talking, saying something along the lines of, "Well of course money can do that." And I cut him off. I literally said, "Stop. Please stop talking because you are just going to get me mad. Please just stop."

This situation created what one might expect: TENSION. I drove on for a few minutes, the car silent except for the engine revs, when my SO pipes up to say, "You know, I'm indifferent to many things. People, politics, etc. But what you just said is not cool, not at all." Me, being me, retorted with, "I knew what you were about to say and it would have only served to make me mad. What would you have me do, just sit here angry at you?" His response, "Well, I'm sitting here angry at you now." Needless to say, that ended the conversation. I refused to look at him and cried a little, not out of sadness, but out of frustration and a bit of rage.

My take on the situation? (And mind you, I am very biased.)

Sometimes I just want to rant. Sometimes I don't want, need, require or desire another person's opinion. Sometimes I just want to vent, have the statements in my head become words out of mouth, let them rest in the air around me, take a deep breath out, and just let it be. Sometimes, the best thing in the world for me is just a head nod. But my SO doesn't seem to get this.

I guess this will be one of the things I bring up tonight when we talk about it. He called, just a few minutes ago, asking, "What now?" I said I thought we should use the day to cool off and then come back and talk. He seemed to be okay with that.

The other part of this scenario which is also disrupting my cool: his combination apathy & snark. He says he's indifferent to the world. In my head, that means he doesn't care about anything, leaving me to wonder if he cares about me: how I feel, my life, our relationship, etc.

His apathy also angers me because I believe it is this country's apathy on issues that cause so many problems, for instance healthcare reform. When I went to my Senator's Town Hall meeting, but ended up instead walking around and talking to protectors, I found a lot of opposition to Healthcare reform rested in the hands of apathetic people. Now, obviously they were not apathetic when it came to being taxed or inconveniencing them in any way. But they were apathetic to some of the people this reform was targeting: the poor, the down trodden, the people that bag their groceries or wait on them in the drive through lane. They couldn't see the forest for the trees.

To me, apathy is just as bad, if not worse, than opposition. 50% of this country doesn't vote. That is half of the citizens of this nation not caring about how their lives are impacted by the people who represent them in government, along with whatever proposals they wish to make, laws this wish to pass, restrictions or freedoms they wish to impart. So yes, I'm not a fan of apathy. I think it is too easy an excuse for not manning up and taking a stand on ANYTHING in life.

Snark, however, is something different. My SO seems to love it, like I do at times, but I rarely point it his way. It seems to me, each time this has happened (me getting upset on his commenting when I vent), I've just wanted someone to listen, but he then challenges me on my words. The time to challenge me is not when I'm in an emotional state. My SO being quippy with me does not encourage me; instead, it turns my emotions not on the situation but on my SO. All of a sudden, he becomes the target of my ill feelings, and this is not a good thing, at all. I end up wanting to curse or hit him, driving too fast or dangerously, and basically not having a good time.

So that was/is where my head rests now. For the remainder of the trip, about 25 minutes, we didn't speak to each other. In these situations, it is usually me who breaks the silence. I'm usually the one who tries to restart things, come to a consensus, and get us in a better place before I drop him off at work. Today, I refused. Sometimes, I'm just tired of being the adult in the relationship. For goodness sack, he's 38 years old. Why is someone 12 years older not the mature person in this partnership?

I suspect this evening's talk will be fine. I will try to explain to him that sometimes I just need him to listen, and NOT comment. And maybe that will be the end of this spat. Either way, I'll let you know.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Photo Friday

This week's photo wrap up has a fall theme, though not intentionally. Just sorta happened that way, considering it's autumn and all.

Outside the Office

Sitting in morning rush hour traffic

Trees on the sidewalk

My pumpkin, chillin outside

Closeups of my pumpkin's tattoos

The table was looking at me.

And finally...why so sad Mr. Ladder?

Happy Halloween! <3>

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

(Un)Healthy Behavior?


This is me venting. This post is not a testament of what current actions I plan to take, nor is it a hashing out of future plans of any kind. This post is for venting purposes only and should be read as such.

Thank you.]

On the drive into work this morning, like just about every other morning, my SO was asleep next to me while I fought through rush hour traffic. I'm changing the radio stations, trying to find something to listen to, when I come upon a song a like. It's called "Let's Get Married" by Jagged Edge. It's an R&B tune with a poppy back beat, something you can bounce your head to and smile while on your way.

The song is one of the few I can think of that is uplifting and joyous about the prospect of marriage from an African American group. And normally I would have listened to and enjoyed it. But circumstance didn't allow that this morning.

Last night, after The Big Bang Theory, I paused the DVR to read Chuck Lorre's vanity card. And on it...well, I'll just quote it:

I believe that inherent within the God-given right to the pursuit of happiness, is the equally God-given right to the pursuit of unhappiness. That is why I support gay marriage.
My initial reaction to this was "Great, Chuck Lorre supporting gay marriage!" And then my SO chimed in, saying something along the lines of "That's awesome. I'm not the only person who feels that way about marriage." LGBT rights high blown.

So instead of me enjoying my Poppy R&B song this morning, I had to change the station before I started crying.

Really? After three years and emotional roller coaster rides in between, he still doesn't want to get married? Really!?! We live together, have basically been that way for two and half years, met each other's family, and have muddled through not being at each other's throats because of the close proximity ALL THE TIME, but he still doesn't want to get married.

Am I just naieve for hoping that he would wise up and see I'm probably the best thing in his life and would want to hold on to that? Am I dillusional to think he will eventually get there and man up? Or should I just ride out the next nine months of our lease and then move on?

Besides me keeping myself from crying, this is infuriating! What do I have to do for him to see how much I want us to have a life together, and yet he seems to be sabotaging it. Or were my hopes too high that this great guy would some day want the whole life (not the half life we are now living) that I think we deserve.

Fuck! I will not end up like my mother, holding on to a man she couldn't have for too long, only to see her life pass before her, and end up finally giving up what they had because she knew she deserved better.

This is not what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to talk about how I was going to my Mom's to help her start living on a budget and create a savings plan. Instead I'm dribbling about the same old shit, again, and upset about what he has said before and now again.

When am I going to learn I have to accept the fact he will never be the man I want him to be, or just cut my losses and leave.

Ok so yeah, couldn't hold back the crying any longer, but at least no one's around to ask questions.

And it doesn't help that I keep having dreams about having a baby. So basically I'm an emotional mess right now and need to stop thinking.

Thanks for reading, if you managed to finish this.

Elbow Photos

Here is a close up of my first sling configuration and a shot of the offending elbow.

Here is a shot of the second, and frankly better, sling currently in use. I knotted the rope, making a large loop, and placed it over my head. The knot is below my right arm while the top of the sling is on my left shoulder. This spreads the weight of my arm across my chest and is easier to get in and out of, say when I had to drive last night to pick up my SO from work.

And here is the wrap currently on my elbow. My SO did a MUCH better job of placing it last night before bed, but I had to take it off sometime this morning to give my skin a chance to breathe. It's pretty obvious this attempt was self administered.

One might ask what is the best part about this situation. Well tomorrow is one of those not so often days that I have to do actual physical labor for work during a week day. Golly gee, yah don't say! I'm hoping I feel better by Wednesday night because I know, even if I am in pain, I'll still work.

There is a 50/50 chance that, like the summer, I will have to take one day off a week to help cut back the winter payroll (i.e. save my boss money). And though I love sitting on my ass and watching television at home, money is nice too.

Snark aside, on the pain scale, I'm probably a three. So really, this is just annoying. I've dealt with cramps worst than this while working. And I know if I go anywhere above say a five, I will go to the hospital. But, for right now, wrap is rest are what I'm putting my hope in.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Annoyance of the Hour

Currently, most of the weight of holding my left arm up is being supported by my neck. Saturday night, as I parked the car after a long day of worked, a shooting pain in my elbow made me yelp. I had hoped this pain would pass while I slept, but intermittently yesterday, while sitting at a light board for about 9 hrs, my elbow lightly throbbed. And when I woke up to go to the gym this morning, it was worse.

So I took a scarf and wrapped it around my wrist. Then I took a short piece of rope and used two slip knots to fashion a homemade sling. That's right; I'm crafty!

For the most part, it's helped. Driving to work this morning was fun (I drive stick!) and typing at times was hairy, until I adjusted the rope to a better length. Overall, the pain from the pressure of the rope on my wrist has out weighted the throbbing in my elbow, but I think I'll keep it this way for at least another day.

The last time this happened, I was in college, it was the other arm, and I couldn't manage to brush my hair. If you will recall, it can get quite long and, at the time, was longer than what I donated recently. I called my Dad, who told me to just rest my arm for a few days, which worked then. Here's hoping it will work again, cause my doctor's appointments aren't until mid December (stacking all three in one day!).

Photo of sling & offending elbow to be added once I get home tonight.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Photo Friday

I've been at this whole blogging thing for a while now, so I thought I might start a little series I'm calling Photo Friday. I carry a crappy little digital camera in one of my cargo pockets wherever I go. As such, I get shots of some of the interesting moments of my days. Here is a wrap up of the past week, along with a few shots I just love.


Yesterday, on my drive to pick up the SO, the sky was filled with this amazing pattern in the clouds. I could not recall seeing anything like this before, so I took pictures while driving. And before someone comments about how dangerous this is, I placed the camera on the steering wheel and didn't look through the view finder to aim. I just snapped a few, hoping they would turn out. And they did.


On a rather windy day last week, leaves literally blew into the office and all over the floor. The next day I eventually swept them up and deposited them back outside, where they belonged.


One day at work, I had an orange with lunch. I was able to get the entire rind off in one piece, and the shape looked interesting. So I started playing around with different ways to pose it and shoot it. If I could have, I would have saved it. It was fun to play with and looked awesome. Definitely my best peel to date.


Last Friday, I went to a pumpkin party at some friends' home. (BTW: love their house; they are very handy and have already made things look better since they moved in, with more fixes to come. And yes, I will use them for my first home, assuming that happens sometime in my lifetime.)

1- Hand model, I am not, but I still thought it looked cool, the string of gunk that comes when you pop the top of your pumpkin.

2- That's a shot of the front of my pumpkin, though in retrospect I should have taken photos of the sides as well. I carved out the Obama O and a tree on two of the sides, but not the back. Didn't want to ruin the front effect.

3- Lights on.

4- Lights off.

Getting my hands dirty and carving my yearly pumpkin was a lot of fun, even though half the party bailed.

I brought a baker's dozen cupcakes from Cakelove. First time experiencing their food. Will definitely be back. Seriously delicious cupcakes, well worth the price. Two favorites: red velvet & German chocolate cake.

And thus concludes this week's Photo Friday. More to come in the weeks ahead.
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