Tuesday, March 31, 2009


To be perfectly honest, it's hard for me to look in a mirror. It's hard for me to see what I've done to myself. I find my physical appearance disgusting. No one should feel this way about themselves.

One would think this would galvanize me into action, when, in fact, it's done the opposite. Instead of going to the gym, I find myself sleeping in my car, waiting for the time to go by. My hope if being my high school weight again seems far away, almost hopeless.

In my head, I know what I should be doing. It's getting the rational part of my mind to dictate what I do. Currently, the emotional side wins out 75% of the time.

I feel like shit. I look like shit. This is not a good day for me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


My father recently had his 79th birthday. I called him, cause I'm a good daughter, and, of all the things for him to mention, he asked how my weight loss was going. I told him I was trying, but as of late I had not been to the gym. He encouraged me to do better. He talked about how he had recently gone to a 50 year reunion with his college, and he was one of the few who didn't look his age. He laughed about how all these other folks looked 80, having "let themselves go."

My dad, even though he is old, is more fit than I. He runs around a reservoir near his home for exercise. He had knee surgery some years back to make sure he could keep doing this as he aged. My father is the model of health; I am not.

It is intimidating having an entire side of my family look so good while I myself feel like crap. Both of my half brothers are fit. I don't know if my father's intelligence was the only thing I inherited, but it feels that way. I like to do things that are "active," but I, at times, lack the will power to make myself get off of my couch.

My mother is not the picture of health. I know I learned my slovenly ways from the way we lived. Television is fun. Eating and doing nothing is comforting. The situation I am in is difficult. It is so easy to just forget I have a problem. I try not to think the fact that if I don't do something, I am going to have serious health problems later on in my life.

I don't know what it will take for me to change. I used to think once I got to college, it would be easier. I would do it myself. There was a free gym and lots of free time, so I thought. In the end, I had a major that required a lot of hours of work out side of the classroom. I also had two jobs. It was easy to just not think about my weight.

In fact, my junior year I lost a significant amount of weight. But this had less to do with my activity and more to do with my being broke. I lived on a $10/week food budget, free food clubs gave away, and my friends' scraps. People have asked me if I could do this again; after all, it worked before. I don't know if I want to do this again. I don't think it was healthy. But then again, is what I have done since healthy?

Maybe I do need to try something drastic. Or maybe I need to stop being lazy.
hit counter
hit counter