Oh My No

SPOILER ALERT!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!

In the following review of the movie Prometheus, I may give away plot points. I may, in fact, reveal the entire plot to this film. I don't know yet. This is one of those times where I am so put off by a movie, I just start typing and see what happens.

For those who care as I do about such an offense, revealing the entire movie and all, I give you this SPOILER ALERT to deter you from reading on.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Prometheus. The first words that come to mind about this film, which I saw about twelve hours ago, are Oh my no.

Once again we have another film that I suspect was funded somewhat by the Christian right. There are many parts that bother me, but none so much as the female lead's trial of extricating an alien baby from her womb.

Through the malicious intent of a psychopathic robot, played wonderfully by Michael Fastbender, the female lead gets pregnant with an alien spawn. Instead of allowing them to put her in cryogenic stasis, she fights back and is able to get herself to a machine that performs surgeries all on its own.

When she approaches, she asks the equipment for a Cesarean section. Did you get that? Not an abortion, but a Cesarean section.

The machine, however, is only calibrated for men. This seemed like utter bullshit to me, considering it negates half of the human race and it was housed in the lift support vessel for another woman.

But I digress.

Unable to get a Cesarean section (the word abortion was never, ever used in the movie; ever), the lead is able to trick the machine by asking for abdominal surgery to remove a foreign body.

She slips inside, after having doped herself, and we watch as a laser (yes, a freakin laser) slices open her abdomen and pulls out the alien fetus. It is very much alive, thrashing about, as the machine staples her abs shut and she slips out, pressing the decontamination button on the way.

And here is where I get pissed some more (because the none use of abortion had already gotten me peeved). Like another movie I reviewed, this woman is able to make her way to another part of the ship, seemingly only with the dope-pen she keeps using. That had better be some amazing drugs cause this woman just had abdominal surgery. Abdominal surgery, with muscles intricate to, yah know, moving.

Later on in the movie, as in maybe an hour or two later, she is walking around outside only with what seems like the occasional slouching over in pain. She just had an abortion, barely medicated, and yet she is doing this.

Really Hollywood? Really?

The kicker for me, though, was at the end. This woman who has seen her lover killed, the crew killed or kamikaze sacrifice themselves so that this alien ship cannot get back to Earth (told you I might spoil the whole thing). After seeing all that, what does she want to do?

Find the aliens' home planet, go to them, and ask them why.

Really.

Not, I don't know, kill them like they were going to kill our home world. Kill them like they did to the people on the ship. Kill them because obviously they didn't want us anymore.

No, she wanted to ask why. When the robot, who had his head riped off by one of them but is obviously still functional, says he doesn't understand why she wants to do this, the woman replies that no, he wouldn't understand because he's not human.

Um, lady, I don't fucking get it either. You watched your boyfriend morph into some crazy strong mutant beast, get burned and shot to death, crew members get killed, and all you want is to know why.

Ah, no.

I was highly disappointed by this flick. I personally love Idris Elba, Charlize Theron, and Michael Fastbender. With that trio in significant roles in the film, I had high hopes for this movie. But, of course, they were dashed.

The two guys who left when a huge dead body was found, the two we all thought were the smart ones, ended up getting lost, even though one of them was the guy who worked on mapping the area. And then, fuck, and then one of them is all, "That's a pretty girl," to something is obviously about to kill them.

Idris Elba and Charlize Theron supposedly have sex off screen, but my friend commented that they couldn't picture them fucking. And, frankly, from their character development, neither could I. Throughout the film there is a constant power struggle, so much so I just couldn't figure who would be on top. And, well, Theron almost seemed cold enough to not want sex in the first place.

I did enjoy Michael Fastbender's portrayal of David, the robot who feels more than anyone else notices, because he was creepy in a way that was, well, sympathetic. When everyone keeps giving him shit, I understand when he basically poisons the boyfriend to make him all mutant-y. Asshole kinda deserved it. And when he helps wake the alien, and gets his head riped off in return, I almost felt sorry for him.

But, overall, I'm just really glad I saw Prometheus as a matinee. $8.50 for a C- movie (my friend's rating) is more than enough.