Pondering

I've spoken about how I want to live my life before. Guess what...I'm doing it again.

I'm a switch, and have always had conflicting emotions regarding partners and lovers, play vs affection vs love. It's not easy for me to resolve even the most basic facts about myself.

The kind of domination I seek to inflict on others is silly. It's petulant. It's annoying. I like punching people, poking them in their side til they yell, pushing people til they break not from physical pain but psychological torment. When I'm in that space, I'm petulant, a right little brat given the keys to the kingdom of your body and, more importantly, your mind.

Yet I burn to be dominated, to be controlled, to be owned. I would never, ever, act or even think about my Dom-ly side when I am at someone's knee or under someone's hand. That side of me no longer exists when I am taking your pain, enduring your trial, acting as the vessel for your inflictions.

I want to be owned. I want to be collared. I want to feel like I belong to someone. Yet I know I cannot be in any relationship that stifles my freedom, that stops me from being who I am.  I want to fuck and be fucked.  I want to love and be loved.  I want a cage without a lock, as it were. Is this even possible?

I guess since I want it, and will not accept anything but it, that answers my question.

I'm feeling my way through this life, like I'm stuck in the dark, touching the walls to find my path, which is a scary scary place, especially for me. I think, thus far, things are going okay. I don't believe I've broken too many hearts. I haven't had my heart ravaged, yet. And I can count quite a few people as good friends.

There is always a nagging in me, though, as I've spent much of my life solo, not by choice as much as circumstance. And by circumstance, I mean my haphazardly scheduled job, my insecurity issues, and my ever present fear of asking for what I want. Not to mention, the two "relationships" I have had were not worth the price of admission. In fact, I imagine they have tainted my outlook on my future prospects, a truth I work against everyday.

Yet still, I'm here. I haven't given up. I'm stumbling threw as best as I can, asking for help and advice when I need it, reading a lot, listening even more, and learning as much as I can. Most important, I never stop growing or changing. I think that is a pillar of my poly, along with communication and openness.

Change is important. One needs to be able to adapt, to bend, to compromise. I will never go so far as to give up who I am and what I want (never again, at least; that was a hard lesson to learn). But I am willing to give halfway. I am willing to listen, trust, and learn. I am willing.

Now, just to find other willing ones...