I guess this is going to be an ongoing random series, me talking about my poly life (or lack there of).
1) Pedestrian Polyamory
So I now am listening to yet another polyamory podcast. This one came as recommendation from a friend and I am loving it.
The podcast is called Pedestrian Polyamory. Our hosts are a triad, Gavin Katz & Shira B Katz, a married cis-gendered heterosexual couple (I think all of that is true. I've listened to almost six episodes and that seems to be an apt description for them) and the wife's second primary, The Transient.
I love these guys. My first peek at them came from Poly Weekly, when the wife was featured as well as others on another podcast she is a member of, Life On The Swingset. (Yup, she does two podcasts. Someone is a bit busy.)
The first actual Pedestrian episode I listened to was the Depressisode in which they talk about dealing in a poly relationship when one partner has depression. I think it says a lot that I listened to this one first and still kept coming back. If you can entertain me with a topic as sad as depression and make me want to keep listening for more, I think you've got something there folks.
Pedestrian Polyamory wants to air once a week, but it appears closer to twice a month. They've not been around long, I think a year, but still I like those folks and will continue to listen to them.
2) OKC update
So I had my first OKCupid date today. I met a guy at a small dive bar for a drink.
When I first showed up, there was a bartender and two other guys sitting at a bar watching a football game. Thankfully I saw they sold hard cider. I ordered an Angry Orchard and joined the guys in watching their game.
About five minutes in, another guy walked in and took a seat. I only got a passing glance at his face. When I peeked over, I thought he might be my OKC date. I checked his picture on the site again (fuck, I love my smart phone), and confirmed it was him.
And then I got nervous. Was I suppose to go to him? Should I wait for him to make a move?
Thankfully the football game ended, so I had a natural reason to stand up and go over. I introduced myself and sat down.
We chatted for about thirty minutes on normal first meeting topics: work, life in general. When the conversation veered towards kink, I could tell he was not versed in the subject.
Around the thirty minute mark, I said it was getting late and dark (which for fall was true). I told him it was nice meeting him and then left.
He was a nice guy but there was zero spark. Like none. At all. Whatsoever.
I didn't have a bad time, but... no. I won't be seeing him again.
One down. How many more to go...?
3)My book
So I am participating in National Novel Writing Month to varying degrees of success. I am incredibly behind in my word count, but I endeavour still.
I mention this fact because of the subject of my book. It is a day in the life of a poly person. Because I picked a super special day, all of their partners show up and interact with the main character.
What I find kind of interesting about the story is I can see myself crafting my ideal of my perfect poly tribe. Not that there isn't conflict (cause any story without conflict is dull as fuck), but as I write more and more I'm finding myself shaping fantasy sex scenes, fantasy living arrangements, fantasy emotional connections, and, most recently, a fantasy collaring ceremony.
I look forward to finishing the book, even though I am so far behind, and then being able to share it with the world at large, and you, my readers, at... intimate.
1) In my continuing kink/BDSM/poly education, I have started listening to Poly Weekly podcast. I highly recommend the podcast. Cunning Minx is kind of awesome.
Recently, while partaking of a post during the dinner break at work, I heard about an interesting poly practice. It's called the 100% Game.
The rules are simple.
1- Ask for 100% of what you want from your partner 100% of the time.
2- Being willing to accept your partner's answer.
See, simple. Except, for a person like me who finds it rather difficult to put myself first in most situations, not so simple.
Since I don't have partners, I've instead tried to do this with my close friends, just as good practice, pushing myself to be more honest emotionally and making my needs/wants known and heard. Now, having read that last statement, you probably realized that "tried" was the operative word.
I find it so hard to ask for what I want almost all the time. So hard. I have visions of people judging me, rejecting me, pitch forks and knives and such. And the thought of me asking for everything that I wanted all the time is not only scary but kind of exhausting. But I'm giving this a go anyway.
I've had varying success, one notable instance that, when I look back on it, it was so simple yet so yes. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.
2) Upon the advice of Doc, I have joined OKCupid.
In our last session, he talked about how I seem so open to new experiences in life, how adventurous I tend to be, except when it comes to making connections with people beyond friendship or random play.
He worried that I was still holding myself back from possibilities of love entering my life, not to mention my ease at connecting with people far away as opposed to close by. (Obviously copying the lessons learned from my parents, i.e. distance is safe.)
I was, and still am, reluctant to the process. I mentioned the website to a few of my vanilla friends, who recommended it, citing a few marriages that have come from it. I mentioned OKC (see, I'm learning the slang already) to some of my kink friends and they praised it for its openness to poly and kinky folk.
So, I'm trying. It's only been a few days, therefore I'm holding out judgement for now.
One feature I do like about the site is the questions portion. Some are very random. Some are highly relevant (religion, sex, political views). The one down side is the site keeps dinging me for not giving importance to other people's answers. I find myself easily answering most of the questions, but not really caring what other people think about them, mostly because I often don't care what other people think.
My only exceptions have been the sexual questions and the morality/political views. I, in my twenty-nine years on this earth, know I cannot date/hookup/hang out with anyone who is the polar opposite of my political views or sees my kinky life style in some sort of immoral fashion.
Still, this is all very new. I have been getting lots of messages sent. Doc explained this would happen because I was fresh meat (his words, not mine) and would pop up in people's feeds. I guess I'll just have to see if anything comes of this.
Once again, I'll keep you posted.
I woke up, opening my eyes, and at once searching for Tessie. It's what I do almost every time I wake up. Sometimes, with my occasional tossing and turning, he ends up on the floor. But then, a millisecond later, when I saw him sitting next to my knee, looking right at me, I felt this urge to do something.
I quickly took off my necklace and held it in my hand for a moment, the metal dangling by my eyes, before wrapping the jewelry around my wrist and locking it there.
Yes, that could work, I thought.
But then I missed the weight around my neck. I missed the feel of the metal against my skin. I missed the easy motion of playing with the ring absentmindedly.
I tried to unlatch the necklace from my wrist, but as if to mock me it wouldn't come off easily. It was almost as if the metal wanted to remind me how tied to it I am, how much of myself I have poured into this one symbol.
I finally got my necklace off my wrist and put it back around my neck (where it lays now). And though the idea of wearing it around my wrist is still a bit appealing, I have time before I need to make a decision regarding the adornment at events.
So, the cause of my mild morning freak out...
All while I was at Rope Camp, I think I was asked about "my Top" or "my Sir" or "my Dom" about a dozen times. There was nothing wrong with these questions. I, in fact, was happy people asked me instead of holding onto their assumptions.
But that doesn't mean the questions didn't get to me.
I don't have a Dom, a Top, a Sir. (Wow, the tears have started to come already. Okay, locking it down.)
I am unpartnered. I mean that in the broadest sense. No one in my life calls themselves my partner.
I have so many friends I love and cherish, who I would never give up for anything. I have people that I care about and love, so many connections, but I have no partners.
When I spoke to Gray about the reoccurring question at Rope Camp, shortly after we'd left, he wasn't surprised. My necklace, though it is just a necklace (not a collar), conveyed an idea to those who did not know me. He liken it to wearing a black handkerchief in my back pocket and being upset about heavy S&M questions. I suppose it's closer to wearing a gold band on my left hand's fourth finger and being upset when people think it's a wedding ring.
And I get that.
I've gotten the question ever since I first bought my necklace and put it on. I've had this piece of metal since I started in the greater public kink scene, since my first event, since before I joined Fet. So yes, the question comes up.
Still, it doesn't make it any easier as a person who is searching for the life she wants to lead and trying to find people to fill the major roles she hopes to someday have in her life to have to always correct the unintentional mistake.
And, I wonder, how many have not thought of me in that way, not pursued something with me, because of their assumptions, because seeing my necklace made them immediately think Hands off. Is it a subconscious thought in the back of people's mind, a quiet barrier to possible connections, possible partners?
Each time I was asked about my Dom/Top/Sir, each question was a little needle in my side, a little reminder of what I don't have.
It's not set in stone, just an idea, but I don't know if I'll keep wearing my necklace at events, at least around my neck. It may dangle from my wrist. It may jingle in my pocket.
It won't go away, that much I do know, but maybe a change of place will ease the frequency of the confusion and possibly lessen my occasional small heartaches.
Maybe.
I've spoken about how I want to live my life before. Guess what...I'm doing it again.
I'm a switch, and have always had conflicting emotions regarding partners and lovers, play vs affection vs love. It's not easy for me to resolve even the most basic facts about myself.
The kind of domination I seek to inflict on others is silly. It's petulant. It's annoying. I like punching people, poking them in their side til they yell, pushing people til they break not from physical pain but psychological torment. When I'm in that space, I'm petulant, a right little brat given the keys to the kingdom of your body and, more importantly, your mind.
Yet I burn to be dominated, to be controlled, to be owned. I would never, ever, act or even think about my Dom-ly side when I am at someone's knee or under someone's hand. That side of me no longer exists when I am taking your pain, enduring your trial, acting as the vessel for your inflictions.
I want to be owned. I want to be collared. I want to feel like I belong to someone. Yet I know I cannot be in any relationship that stifles my freedom, that stops me from being who I am. I want to fuck and be fucked. I want to love and be loved. I want a cage without a lock, as it were. Is this even possible?
I guess since I want it, and will not accept anything but it, that answers my question.
I'm feeling my way through this life, like I'm stuck in the dark, touching the walls to find my path, which is a scary scary place, especially for me. I think, thus far, things are going okay. I don't believe I've broken too many hearts. I haven't had my heart ravaged, yet. And I can count quite a few people as good friends.
There is always a nagging in me, though, as I've spent much of my life solo, not by choice as much as circumstance. And by circumstance, I mean my haphazardly scheduled job, my insecurity issues, and my ever present fear of asking for what I want. Not to mention, the two "relationships" I have had were not worth the price of admission. In fact, I imagine they have tainted my outlook on my future prospects, a truth I work against everyday.
Yet still, I'm here. I haven't given up. I'm stumbling threw as best as I can, asking for help and advice when I need it, reading a lot, listening even more, and learning as much as I can. Most important, I never stop growing or changing. I think that is a pillar of my poly, along with communication and openness.
Change is important. One needs to be able to adapt, to bend, to compromise. I will never go so far as to give up who I am and what I want (never again, at least; that was a hard lesson to learn). But I am willing to give halfway. I am willing to listen, trust, and learn. I am willing.
Now, just to find other willing ones...
