Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I know I put undue pressure on myself almost all the time.

When it comes to work, there are times when I dread walking out of my front door. Recently I've been put in a semi-leadership position, asked to take on more responsibilities. Granted, this also means extra pay, but with the added money came added pressure for the gigs to go well.

Starting off, it was not so bad, as they gave me solo assignments. Recently, though, I've been put in charge of people, the same folks who previously worked with me as same level colleagues. I dealt with my anxiety by changing my view of my work. Instead of seeing each new gig as a threat, I took them on as challenges, and many who know me well enough know I like to rise to challenges.

In my personal life, I often heap mounds of pressure on situations. This was especially true when I first became highly active and social in the kink community. When I was just with the Ex or going to Bound Friday nights, it didn't matter. I had little expectations. My Ex was anti-social, so any interaction with him and kink outside of the bedroom was a treat. Coming out of college and exploring the very fringes of this new world, everything was amazing.

But, going out on my own, having been in a kinky relationship for so long, with little other gauge as to how things were, I shoveled tons of pressure on myself when I went to my first Happy Hour. I thought I had to make the best impression, I had to be the best me, or these people wouldn't like me and there went my chance to learn and grow in kink. It wasn't until I got there, started talking to people, and finally let myself let go that I realized adding pressure to the situation only harmed me.

So, a few paragraphs of rambling aside, I'm writing this because even now, I still add pressure to situations that I need to relax into. I still have to remind myself to breath, let go, and give into the will of life. I still have to stop myself from adding undue pressure on almost everything. However, with much practice, my venting time has shortened, my recovery quickened, and my stress has diminished, in general, a bit.

I'm a work in progress.

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