Always in the Car

My morning has not been fun. I will explain.

As many of you know, yesterday was election day. I was only half interested in the results, seeing as my county did not hold elections. Last night I signed onto Twitter and found through a link an up-to-date posting of results. I went to bed knowing a few things: 1) Virginia still sucks and I refuse to ever live there, 2) Maine was too close to call, 3) NJ you disappointed me, & 4) NY was a split decision that I planned to think about later.

So this morning on the way to work, my SO & I were as usual stuck in rush hour traffic. And unfortunately, he was not asleep. The radio was all a buzz with elections results. No matter where we turned, it seemed we could not get away from it. So finally, we turned the radio off.

Of all the races last night, the one that bothered me the most was for NYC mayor. Before this past election, I had no real opinion on Michael Bloomberg. I knew he was rich and a Republican, but neither of those things in and of themselves would lend me to an opinion on him. But, learning about how he won reelection really irked me. And I said as much to my SO.

I spoke about how sad a state of affairs this world has to be in when money and power can still take one so far and accomplish so much. That a man could outright lie, use his political power to push his own future agenda, and basically treat an elected position like his toy reminded me too much of Iran and Afghanistan elections. It just didn't sit well.

So I say this and, rather than just a head nod from my SO, he starts talking, saying something along the lines of, "Well of course money can do that." And I cut him off. I literally said, "Stop. Please stop talking because you are just going to get me mad. Please just stop."

This situation created what one might expect: TENSION. I drove on for a few minutes, the car silent except for the engine revs, when my SO pipes up to say, "You know, I'm indifferent to many things. People, politics, etc. But what you just said is not cool, not at all." Me, being me, retorted with, "I knew what you were about to say and it would have only served to make me mad. What would you have me do, just sit here angry at you?" His response, "Well, I'm sitting here angry at you now." Needless to say, that ended the conversation. I refused to look at him and cried a little, not out of sadness, but out of frustration and a bit of rage.

My take on the situation? (And mind you, I am very biased.)

Sometimes I just want to rant. Sometimes I don't want, need, require or desire another person's opinion. Sometimes I just want to vent, have the statements in my head become words out of mouth, let them rest in the air around me, take a deep breath out, and just let it be. Sometimes, the best thing in the world for me is just a head nod. But my SO doesn't seem to get this.

I guess this will be one of the things I bring up tonight when we talk about it. He called, just a few minutes ago, asking, "What now?" I said I thought we should use the day to cool off and then come back and talk. He seemed to be okay with that.

The other part of this scenario which is also disrupting my cool: his combination apathy & snark. He says he's indifferent to the world. In my head, that means he doesn't care about anything, leaving me to wonder if he cares about me: how I feel, my life, our relationship, etc.

His apathy also angers me because I believe it is this country's apathy on issues that cause so many problems, for instance healthcare reform. When I went to my Senator's Town Hall meeting, but ended up instead walking around and talking to protectors, I found a lot of opposition to Healthcare reform rested in the hands of apathetic people. Now, obviously they were not apathetic when it came to being taxed or inconveniencing them in any way. But they were apathetic to some of the people this reform was targeting: the poor, the down trodden, the people that bag their groceries or wait on them in the drive through lane. They couldn't see the forest for the trees.

To me, apathy is just as bad, if not worse, than opposition. 50% of this country doesn't vote. That is half of the citizens of this nation not caring about how their lives are impacted by the people who represent them in government, along with whatever proposals they wish to make, laws this wish to pass, restrictions or freedoms they wish to impart. So yes, I'm not a fan of apathy. I think it is too easy an excuse for not manning up and taking a stand on ANYTHING in life.

Snark, however, is something different. My SO seems to love it, like I do at times, but I rarely point it his way. It seems to me, each time this has happened (me getting upset on his commenting when I vent), I've just wanted someone to listen, but he then challenges me on my words. The time to challenge me is not when I'm in an emotional state. My SO being quippy with me does not encourage me; instead, it turns my emotions not on the situation but on my SO. All of a sudden, he becomes the target of my ill feelings, and this is not a good thing, at all. I end up wanting to curse or hit him, driving too fast or dangerously, and basically not having a good time.

So that was/is where my head rests now. For the remainder of the trip, about 25 minutes, we didn't speak to each other. In these situations, it is usually me who breaks the silence. I'm usually the one who tries to restart things, come to a consensus, and get us in a better place before I drop him off at work. Today, I refused. Sometimes, I'm just tired of being the adult in the relationship. For goodness sack, he's 38 years old. Why is someone 12 years older not the mature person in this partnership?

I suspect this evening's talk will be fine. I will try to explain to him that sometimes I just need him to listen, and NOT comment. And maybe that will be the end of this spat. Either way, I'll let you know.