Tuesday, October 27, 2009

(Un)Healthy Behavior?


This is me venting. This post is not a testament of what current actions I plan to take, nor is it a hashing out of future plans of any kind. This post is for venting purposes only and should be read as such.

Thank you.]

On the drive into work this morning, like just about every other morning, my SO was asleep next to me while I fought through rush hour traffic. I'm changing the radio stations, trying to find something to listen to, when I come upon a song a like. It's called "Let's Get Married" by Jagged Edge. It's an R&B tune with a poppy back beat, something you can bounce your head to and smile while on your way.

The song is one of the few I can think of that is uplifting and joyous about the prospect of marriage from an African American group. And normally I would have listened to and enjoyed it. But circumstance didn't allow that this morning.

Last night, after The Big Bang Theory, I paused the DVR to read Chuck Lorre's vanity card. And on it...well, I'll just quote it:

I believe that inherent within the God-given right to the pursuit of happiness, is the equally God-given right to the pursuit of unhappiness. That is why I support gay marriage.
My initial reaction to this was "Great, Chuck Lorre supporting gay marriage!" And then my SO chimed in, saying something along the lines of "That's awesome. I'm not the only person who feels that way about marriage." LGBT rights high blown.

So instead of me enjoying my Poppy R&B song this morning, I had to change the station before I started crying.

Really? After three years and emotional roller coaster rides in between, he still doesn't want to get married? Really!?! We live together, have basically been that way for two and half years, met each other's family, and have muddled through not being at each other's throats because of the close proximity ALL THE TIME, but he still doesn't want to get married.

Am I just naieve for hoping that he would wise up and see I'm probably the best thing in his life and would want to hold on to that? Am I dillusional to think he will eventually get there and man up? Or should I just ride out the next nine months of our lease and then move on?

Besides me keeping myself from crying, this is infuriating! What do I have to do for him to see how much I want us to have a life together, and yet he seems to be sabotaging it. Or were my hopes too high that this great guy would some day want the whole life (not the half life we are now living) that I think we deserve.

Fuck! I will not end up like my mother, holding on to a man she couldn't have for too long, only to see her life pass before her, and end up finally giving up what they had because she knew she deserved better.

This is not what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to talk about how I was going to my Mom's to help her start living on a budget and create a savings plan. Instead I'm dribbling about the same old shit, again, and upset about what he has said before and now again.

When am I going to learn I have to accept the fact he will never be the man I want him to be, or just cut my losses and leave.

Ok so yeah, couldn't hold back the crying any longer, but at least no one's around to ask questions.

And it doesn't help that I keep having dreams about having a baby. So basically I'm an emotional mess right now and need to stop thinking.

Thanks for reading, if you managed to finish this.

1 comment:

  1. I read the "just a vent part" and have tried not to comment but will anyway, particularly to your line:

    "When am I going to learn I have to accept the fact he will never be the man I want him to be, or just cut my losses and leave."

    I know someone who has recently gone through a similar period of asking that question in his 17 year relationship. Over the past year or so, while he was making that very decision (I don't know that he articulated it as such) he has been kind of miserable - both personally and also miserable to be around.

    He decided, it seems, to "accept" but I'm not sure that he ever will be able to do so fully because of the nature of their situation (I'd be glad to expand in person)

    If someone walked into your life tomorrow with the whole package, all the things you love about SO and all the things you want from him, would you consider walking? And, if yes, how much would you consider it? Would you think "oh that would've been nice but I love SO" or would you seriously put some thought into it and weigh pros and cons? Or would you walk right away?

    It's another way of rephrasing your statement: are you staying with SO because you feel like he's "the one" and even if he never changes (no marriage, no children, etc. etc.) you can be happy with him (accept)? Or are you staying with him because he's great, but you really wish he would change and will be severely disappointed 20 years from now if nothing has happened?

    I just hate to see you upset over and over - even in a venting way - about this situation. And I'm not sure it's the kind of thing you can really accept if it is something integral about you. And I don't know that you should have to.


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