Tuned In

My life infects my writing.
My writing infects my life. - me, in a random moment of realization and blunt honesty

So there was this moment at work. Well, no, it wasn't actually at work, but it was during the break between our setup and our tear down. It was this subtle little thing, a blink of an eye, yet as soon as it happened I had the feeling I would end up telling Doc about it. And I did just that today.

I was sitting in a booth in a diner with two of my co-workers. One sat next to me, the other across from us. The one who sat next to me was a nice guy, which I already knew. He was in charge for both calls and I had worked with him before.

However this was the first time we had had a chance to chat for more than a minute or two. He gave me a ride to the diner since I drove the box truck for the event and we chatted in his vehicle.

He was a really good guy. Like I said, I'd sort of knew that, but hadn't experienced it first hand before. I know his girlfriend and, since she was with him, knew that he had be to pretty awesome. And he is.

So we're all sitting in the booth, finished with our meals, killing time while waiting to go back to work. The boys (my other co-worker was also a guy) were chatting about sound stuff, an area that I have almost zero interest in. I spent my time playing on my phone and reading my Twitter feed.

So they're talking, and I'm ignoring them, when the super awesome nice guy sitting next to me crosses his arms, resting them on the table, leaving his left hand dangling there. And I immediately have this desire to reach out and grab his hand, hold it, grip his fingers with my own.

The moment was so striking, it hit me almost like a Mach truck. (Yes, this experience is what inspired PDA.)

Of course I didn't do it. He was not my boyfriend, he has an awesome girlfriend who I like a lot, and I, like most adults, have a modicum of self control.

But that moment has stuck with me for the past few days.

When I spoke to Doc about it, he had me explain why it happened. There are a few reasons.

First, Doc, as homework, has stressed for me to actively tune into my emotions. He wants me to be aware of how I am feeling moment to moment and see how that affects my day-to-day, especially in the area of me opening up to people about my feelings.

Second, this particular job happened to be the last gig I had before the slow season at work started. I was highly stressed, having had little sleep in the past few days coupled with lots of work.

Lastly, this moment, though it was in between gigs, was also highly relaxing. The boys were talking exuberantly about sound design. I was enjoying my time on the interwebs. We were all getting along smashingly.

All of this led to my flash of awareness of something I wanted. Because I was tuned into my emotions, I realized all at once:

1- This guy sitting next to me was awesome, a fact I had not fully appreciated before.
2- I felt the need to be comforted, to have someone in my life be there for me when times got difficult, when the stresses of the busy season got to me.
& 3- I need someone in my life to fill this roll.

I can say a lot of things about my Ex, but this was one area where he got it right. My Ex was my champion, my cheerleader. He always thought more of me, more of my work than I did, and was there for me when I came home tired, worn out, and needing a strong set of arms to fall into.

It's been three years since I broke up with him, three years without that person to come home too. I've spent almost as long outside of our relationship as I spent in it. And though I don't want him back, I want that person in my life again.

I want that person to come home to, that person who is my champion, my cheerleader. I want those arms to fall into at night, that voice telling me how great I am, that I can do it, that it will all be okay.

I want a partner again.