Saturday, March 31, 2012


Today was the best day. Today was the worst day.

Being in San Francisco, on the left coast, attending an event with a different energy than I'm used to, has been challenging. The last time I was this nervous for an event was my first one.

Today I felt like I was making strides. I attended two awesome classes.

The first was a three hour rope intensive with Lamalani, a former IMsL. Lani went over rope from a basic cuff to demonstrating an ebi. Though I knew a lot of what was taught, I also learned quite a bit. I helped the people around me. I introduced myself, learned names, and passed out Moo cards. And, at the end of the presentation, I got a hug. Awesome.

For the second class session, I attended yet another three hour intensive, this time on bootblacking. Q, a former IMsBB, gave a fun and interactive talk. I learned quite a lot, took copious amounts of notes, and felt thrilled to have been in the class. Once again, I talked to new people, learned names, passed out Moo cards, and felt much better about my IMsL experience.

I later attended the opening ceremony, as well as the roast of the current title holders. All-in-all, my day was going extremely well.

So well, in fact, I decided to self suspend.

And then I fell, flat on my back, in the middle of one of the dungeons.

Physically, I'm barely bruised. Mentally though...

I know exactly why it happened. I know how to never make it happen again. And, as Parker pointed out later, it was best that I was the person I dropped.

Of all the things that could go wrong, the thing that did go wrong was the one I didn't worry about. It was the one that, at the time, I thought, Well, it'll probably be alright. And, of course, it was my undoing.

What's worse, I was so happy when everything went to shit. My ties were just right. Experimenting with the ankle cuff again was excellent. I figured out some awesome body positions and was doing well switching between them. I even wore my boots while I tied (and nothing else). I was full of self confidence, full of power. I am not a Woo person, but it felt like I had found my center again.

And then I was on my back.

When I landed, I immediately started giggling and said "I'm good" to no one in particular. I laid on the ground for a bit, trying to cease my giggle fit. I then sat up, untied all my lines, and recoiled my rope.

In the process, I decided I needed to get right back on the saddle; I needed to prove to myself I had only made a simple mistake and I knew how to fix it. I re-secured my ring, correctly this time, and tried to figure out how best to test the weight barring.

However, it felt like all eyes were on me. It felt like every whispered conversation we about me. I could see the DM in a corner about fifteen away, watching me. My hands shook. I began doubting myself. I thought it was best to just pack up and leave.

Every conversation was, in fact, not about me. Most people took no notice of me. Yes, the DM watched me like a hawk, but for good reason. But, as I began packing up, the DM moved on.

Not knowing what to do, I wondered to a play space to possibly watch a scene, but nothing was happening that interested me.

Okay, that's a lie. I needed to not watch a scene. I needed to decompress.

I found a chair, sat, and pulled out my crocheting. As I worked, I again analyzed in my mind what I did wrong. I replayed my movements. I confirmed with myself it was a simple mistake.

As I crocheted, Jim walked by. Playfully, he kicked my boot, and asked what was going on. I told him I was self soothing, explaining I'd had a little mishap in a scene. From then on, each time he passed me, he gave a little head rub or a smile.

Later, Parker came over. I told Parker about my incident. We talked for quite a bit. I felt better.

And I do feel better. Like Parker said, at least it was me and not another bottom. But, even so, I feel like I'm back to where I was before: adrift, unsure, off center.

Some time, either tomorrow or Sunday, I have to try again. Self suspension is my happy place, my center, my home. I want and need that back.

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