Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Love On Top

"But I know it's gonna take a little work/Nothing's perfect/But it's worth it/After fighting through my tears/And finally you put me first/Baby, it's you/You the one I love/You're the one I need/You're the only one I see/Come one baby it's you/You're the one that gives your all/You're the one I can always call/When I need you, you make everything stop/Finally you put my love on top"

Recently, when I was driving home, I was enjoying the radio and found myself listening to one of Beyonce's recent singles. Though my mother loves and adores the woman, I find Beyonce's music to be just okay.

However, for some reason, as I listened to Love On Top, it spoke to me. With each new lyric, I identified with another piece of what she was saying, but in a completely different way. As Beyonce went on and on about her now husband, Jay-Z, I kept finding the love she had for him reflected in myself.

Looking back on the year I've had (which I will delve into more in a future post), things have been pretty fucking fantastic. No, not perfect, but damn good. I did not escape this year without tears, but my win column far exceeds my losses.

Talking to my friends, it seems the strands of my view of myself and the way others view me are weaving together.

I was chatting with my friend N3rddom after a She Wants Revenge concert, speaking about how I was unpartnered poly. Randomly, he stated he was sure I would have partners in the future. I just sort of looked at him and said, "Really?" He seemed confused that I didn't realize this was going to happen. He started listing some awesome aspects of myself that of course I knew about but in that moment had not thought of. And the realization came to me. Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm fucking awesome.

I was chatting with my friend SkinnyBitch and she flippantly said I lived the life of a queen. "Yeah, sure." But then, in a less kidding and more real tone, she spoke about how I live my life the way I want, interact with whomever I want, when I want. I have a ton of freedom and use it to foster awesome friendships. Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm fucking awesome.

So, loosely quoting from the song...

I know it will take some work, because I am by no means perfect, but I'm worth that effort. Yes, there will be tears, as anyone who knows me knows I cry, a lot, but it's time I put myself first.

I love me. I need me to be me, no matter what. That person looking back at me in the morning in the mirror, brushing her teeth and smiling, is not all I want, but, for now, is all I need.

When I wake up each morning, I will love the person I see, because I give my all. I'm the one all my good friends call because I'm am there for them, but I must now also be there for myself.

I cannot make all my pain stop, but I can put me, and loving myself, on top.

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