Again

I have visited the same adult club twice and both times I have left in tears.  Tonight's adventure was eerily similar to the first; in both instances the Dominant I needed let me down.  And so I am left wanting, hurting, unable to express the emotions I had hoped would surface through physical pain.  At least tonight I was able to hold the full extent of my weeping until, I guess, now.

It is hard for me to explain just how much I need to be hit.  When I ask for such sensations, I am presenting you with the gift of myself.  When you do not follow through, it feels like a rejection of the essence of me. 

When I want domination, I am asking you take me to a place I cannot find without your aid.  Binding me, punching me, taking over control are all things I need.  Not what I want, but what I need.  And tonight, because I always put others before myself, I did not get what I needed.

Instead I am here, in my Sun Room, typing, trying to not cry too loudly as my roommate and a friend are chatting in the next room.  I think this is when I'm suppose to seek out someone to comfort me.  Maybe, once they're done their conversation.  And there, I have done it again. 

Quietly crying and typing the night away cannot be the entirety of healing salve to get me through tonight.  At some point, I have to push myself to ask for help, to ask for five minutes, a shoulder to cry on.  At some point, I have to put myself first, if in no other way than convincing myself my pain is important and needs attention.