Unfair

I woke up angry and upset today because of a situation caused by my SO. My SO, who knows I need constant reassurance because of my emotional issues, calls me once I get off work yesterday and says, "I want to be alone tonight; I'll see you tomorrow afternoon." No warning and no explanation given, I babble some okays and the conversation is ended.

My first reaction was to be upset, almost ready to cry. Did I do something wrong? Was my SO offended by a stupid incident we had last night? (Aside: I keep a small pair of scissors in my robe. We were on my couch, my head in my SO's lap. They notice and pull out the scissors. I feel a pull on my hair and say, "Don't you dare cut my hair." My SO reacts by saying, "Do you really think so little of me?" My response, "You pulled scissors out of my robe and I felt you pulling on my hair." It's stupid and ridiculous, but it was the first thing that came to mind when I started to think my SO's self imposed isolation may have been my fault.)

My next reaction, about thirty seconds later, was full on I-want-to-kick-some-ass anger. My toothbrush, my hair brush, my deodorant, and other important items are sitting by my SO's bed because I was not given any warning. No explanation, just a phone call. How is that fair? How is that caring? How is that reassuring? It's not.

As a person who is trying to wrestle with emotional issues and find a better way to deal with the feelings inside me, I thought I did really well choosing to not go to his work and yell at him or call him while I was angry and scream profanities.

All kidding aside, I mostly felt like I was put in an impossible situation. Either I bow to my SO's desire and spend the night worrying and upset or I call and leave myself open for the clingy partner assault. I felt betrayed. I felt like I'd been slapped in the face.

It is our plan to move in together towards the end of the year. What happens when this urges comes over my SO then? Being as the apartment we want to live in is 35 minutes away from work and my SO has no vehicle, will I be asked to drive home silently and not speak for the rest of the night? Will my SO just not come home, leaving me wondering where they are all night?

My SO's actions do not breed trust, they breed fear. They do not breed understanding, they breed resentment. How are we to keep sharing a life together when I am left feeling tossed aside? I love my SO, but this is the type of behavior that makes me worry about my choice to stick it out and baby step our way to the life I want for us, the life I thought we both wanted.

So that is how I've spent the past 16 hours. My SO didn't call when they got home, like they said they would. A text message sent at 9pm got me a two word answer, confirming at least my SO is alive and was walking to their home. There has been no other contact since.

I'm sad, but, mostly, I'm angry. I know tonight I will try to not be mad. I will try to explain why I believe my SO handled yesterday in a poor manner and, with my SO, try come up with a way to better handle the situation should these feelings come up again. Mostly, I'm trying to keep it together. I've already gotten upset about a simple task at work, transferring my frustration from one situation to another, which is not productive nor is it mentally healthy.

I don't want to feel this way, yet my SO has done this to me. WTF!

Yelling is too good of an excuse to give my SO. I don't want to yell. I want to get my point across and correct the situation. I don't want a blow out, but my anger is so great currently, I'm finding it difficult to keep things in perspective.

For now, I'm just trying to breathe. Just breathe and some how make it through my work day in hopes that I will get an explanation of why I'm being treated in such an unfair manner.