Yearn

Attention and affection; two simple concepts, yet it has taken me time and thoughtful introspection to realize they are the two major necessities I need in a relationship.

I want a partner who will spend time with me. Not around me, but with me. I need simple attention: a meal where we bitch about our respective jobs; watching a movie on NetFlix; going for a jog with me in the neighborhood; testing our duel trivia knowledges via Jeopardy! It doesn't need to be fancy, but give me the time.

I also want someone who shows affection towards me. Hugs and kisses, yes. But also holding hands. Back rubs. Gentle caresses. Playing with my hair (bonus points!). Cuddles. Snuggles.

Without attention and affection, I cannot be happy in a relationship.

There was a moment a week and a half ago. It was the Sunday after the Grue Pitt. Everyone was tired, exhausted really, winding down from the event. Gray, TwistedView, K2, and myself gathered in the living room to watch random action movies.

At one point, TwistedView and K2 snuggled on the LoveSac while Gray and I did the same on the couch. Gray lightly rubbed my back, my arm. We were watching either From Dusk Til Dawn or Game of Thrones. It was nothing big; just some down time to relax our brains and bodies.

And then, in a flash, it hit me: This is awesome. I want this. I should find someone for this back home.

Ding ding ding.

Because that's the thing: I live here and he lives there. Our lives are separated by hundreds of miles. When we are together, it's great, amazing really, but our lives make it so our time together is fleeting. Thems be the breaks.

I wanted to kick myself when the obvious hit me upside my head.

It was exactly what Doc has been talking about. Love, real love, isn't a series of highs and lows. It's steady. A baseline that's always there. Yes, it will have its moments, but the foundation lies in daily consistent care.

I yearn for attention and affection from someone regularly in my life. I want snuggles on the couch and cuddles in bed each night. I want someone to lean on, and to take care of, not just on special days, but every day.

I don't like that, when thinking about any as yet partner, thoughts veer towards my Ex. I don't like remembering snuggling with him on the couch or sleeping with him at night. I don't like that he is still a small part of my life (the occasional run in at work).

It is so tempting to go backwards, to try again. Not tempting enough, though, for me to do it. There were far too many things wrong with our relationship for me to go back to him. But tempting still.

It hurts, my current situation. Because I know I did have that bond with someone before. I know it's possible, making the not having it that much worse.

I do have attention and affection now, occasionally, on special days. When I get it, I feel this sense of ease. Of excitement, of course, but also of stillness. A knowing that yes, this is right. This is what I want, what I need. A gladness for my life in those days.

But I yearn for more than my special days, as cherished as they are to me. I yearn for constant love, daily care, dependable attention and affection.

As you might have guessed, since the Grue Pitt, I edited my OKC profile again. I'm trying to find a poly munch. I'm keeping my eyes and heart open. And I'm hoping.

Slowly, surely.