Drop the Apparently

"So, what does that tell you?" - Doc
"That apparently people value my thoughts and opinions more than I do." - me
"Drop the apparently."

 


~

 
In regards to the PS, we're going to get a little snooty here.

I've worked shows before, especially lighting. There's some good people there. There's some smart people there. But they are not, on the whole, a terribly challenging group intellectually. There is the occasional individual - such as yourself - who is the exception. But I'm pretty sure that in any group you're around at work, you're the most intelligent person there.

That's a comfortable place to be. You don't have to worry about being pushed out of your comfort zone, you don't have to worry about not being the smartest.

You also don't learn much in that environment. You know how to learn to play chess, right? You don't play people who are worse than you and always win. You play people who are better than you and lose and lose and lose until eventually you don't lose quite so much.

But you still lose, and you grow, because people are smarter than you.

I've noticed, at events, you seek out the bright stars. The philosophers, the people who seem to have something to say. You find them and you have a great time with them and usually you do it in some of the most beautiful service and submissive ways I've ever seen. I think you think you're lucky to be able to hang with them.

I think you're wrong. I think it's the other way around.

I watched those people in that room as you were on TV. People who were veteran kinksters, who dealt with the public on a regular basis, whose investment in kink was their whole lives and tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars.

When you spoke, there were quiet nods. There were murmurs of approval and admiration, and more than one "She is good," as you answered with grace, eloquence, and intelligence some of the hardest questions that a kinkster could be asked.

They weren't just saying "Wow, she did that well." They were saying "Wow, she did that better than I could have." I know you're going to try and snicker a defense mechanism and assume I'm delusional or being complimentary or something about that. S'fine, we all have our barriers and our Broken Mirrors. I know what I saw, though. You don't belong in the entourage or at the side of some person or cause. You are a leader, a visionary, someone who knows and thinks and has the god-given ability to express it. You have this amazing machine inside your head capable of doing so much.

And you choose to do lighting. You tell me: am I wrong? Does that actually challenge you? Are you using that lambourghini you were gifted with to drive to the store and back every day, because that way you won't have an accident?

Maybe I'm way off base with this. Maybe I'm totally wrong and you are growing mentally and spiritually with the work you do, and using your talents to make the world a better place. If so, I apologize for my arrogance.

But it looks to me like you're treading water because it's easier than swimming. And that's both sad and maddening, because it's a beautiful ocean and there are others in it, drowning, who need your brains.

Here endeth the lesson. Gotta catch a plane.

Have a nice day! :)

~

Two different people in my life made the exact same point at almost the exact same time.

In my latest session with Doc, we talked about a few things, but the one topic that has stuck with me most was the above quote.

There was a moment, during our session, when I just stopped. The very next line of that exchange was me saying to myself, "People value me more than I do." I let that statement sit in my brain, let myself sit with that realization, living with this new truth for a moment.

Again, my immediate reaction to any compliment, to almost any praise, kicked in. Oh, they're just being nice. Oh, yes I did well, but they could have done just as well or better. Oh, they're sweet for saying that.

Doc asked why I thought that, why my immediate brushing away of their compliments happened. It was obvious, after the work we've done, that it goes back to my issues with my father. Not having him as a constant figure in my life growing up gave me self worth issues, namely believing I was not worthy of his love or affection, therefore not worthy of others love and affection, therefore any affection sent my way was never wholly true.

Sometimes it sucks, knowing the root of a problem and yet the issue still lingering.

When I said that line to myself, I stopped and just thought about all the subtext in that truth. I was close to tears, but I held them back. Doc questioned me, what I was thinking in that moment, and I admitted to wanting to cry. He then called me on the wanting, asking me why I didn't just cry. More excuses came; more work to do.

And then, very shortly after my session with Doc, I got that email from a friend. I didn't post the entire message to be cocky or pretentious, but instead, just like they wrote, it's hard for me to believe.

The message was completely unprompted and a great shock to me. In fact, I find myself reading it about once a day (if not more) because it is still hard for me to believe this person I respect so much would say those things about me.

We all have stories we tell ourselves about our lives. But whether you are living through a comedy, tragedy, drama, thriller-action-awesomeness, it's still just a story. The way others perceive you, though. That is who you are to the world, which can often be opposite of who you believe you are in your head.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this notion, of the respect of so many people I admire, and what to do with this new information. More on that to come...