Thursday, October 14, 2010


To me it seems obvious, as if a part of breathing, a fact so important to me I cannot live a life without it.  And yet, I am in the minority.

In a world with six billion people, all with different lives and experiences, personalities and bodies to explore, I can never be in a closed relationship again.  I came to my realization that sex does not in fact equal love when, low and behold, I was attracted to and wanted to fuck a coworker, but had no desire to have any other interaction with this person after the act.  In fact, I was in a relationship, and did not believe having sex with my non-partner would have negatively affected our relationship.  Only the contrary actually, I think it would have lifted my mood and given me new ideas to play with my partnered lover in the bedroom.

I never had sex with the coworker and have since separated from the Ex, but I am left with the knowledge of my need for sex, in fact lots of it, and my desire to have it with many people.  I know of functioning, healthy, open relationships, and I strive to find a partner with which to share my life. 

But I am not delusional enough to believe my need for an open relationship will be easily accepted by the average individual.  There are some who, by nature or nurture, believe the lifestyle I live is just wrong.  Others have jealousy issues, a trait that would incline me to not be with them anyway.  So I know it will be difficult to find someone.

Often, though, I am frustrated and annoyed when I see an attractive person and realize I have no chance with them because they are "in a relationship."  I think relationships, partnerships, etcetera are all good, but why are you shutting yourself off from possibly amazing sex with others?  Why would you deny yourself transformative sexual experiences that would do nothing to ruin, defame, mare, or hurt your life at home?

It seems so simple to me: use protection and don't bring drama home.  And yet, there are so many people in this world closing themselves off from beautiful, wondrous experiences, unknown sensations, tastes and memories that would only enhance their lives. 

I am just befuddled with this.  I know this has to do with my openness to life, my lack of religious handcuffing, and, my relatively free spirit.  However, it doesn't make the situation, for me, any less angering, annoying, frustrating, or just down right sad.


  1. The way you describe monogamy - using words like "shutting yourself off" or "deny" or "closing themselves off" - implies to me a fairly harsh (puritan?) definition of monogamy / closed relationships in which people are constantly holding back despite other urges or despite something "better."

    And that may be true for some people and perhaps it is sad for them - I won't pretend to know what others feel. But as someone who has chosen (as in thought about and come to a decision) a long-term, monogamous, closed relationship, I must say that I have never, even a little bit, felt that I was being denied or that I was shutting myself off. I haven't felt that I was missing out and I don't know that my life would be enhanced by opening up my relationship.

    While I wish that more people would consider their options and/or at least respect the choices of others, I had a really hard time reading the last few paragraphs of this post because they came across as a little bit preachy and a little bit presumptive. Not only is not everyone closing themselves off, but it is not the case that opening one's relationship would necessarily lead to wondrous, life-enhancing experiences.

    I think people need to be informed and be able to make choices in a respectful environment. I think we would find that in such a world, more people would open their relationships, but some might be happy just the way they are, too :)

  2. I guess it is the folks who don't even think about it, who just assume "you will burn in Hell" or "ew, that's disgusting," are the ones I was venting on.
    I'm glad you actually thought about it. It makes me happy to know at least one life partnership has actually taken the time to discuss and ponder whether or not this would be good for them. I wonder if most people ever do.
    I was running off the assumption most folks think it's gross, immoral, or taboo without actual deliberate thought or conversation.
    When someone actually comes to a conclusion that their lives will not be enhanced by an open relationship, I'm all for that. Do what is best for you. I'm just frustrated when others dismiss it offhand, either because of cultural or moral reasons, without really giving it thought.
    And, to be perfectly honest, a lot of that post was libido driven. Closed relationships mean less tail for me, and, in this, I am selfish.

  3. Agreed. I'm okay with people making a choice for almost whatever reason as long as they are conscious that they are, in fact, making a choice and that they are accountable for the choice they make - no matter why the choice is made.

  4. I'm not convinced that for some people, on a certain level, monogamy and/or polygamy/polyamory are not actually a kind of sexual orientation - that is, I don't believe that it is necessarily a choice for everybody.

    I do think that for MOST people (or at least most of the people I know) it is a choice, one that is influenced heavily by our culture and our own personal experiences. But I think that for a small minority, it might just be who they ARE (and like any orientation, they can choose whether or not to ACT upon that orientation, but that doesn't change who they really are).

    I don't know why I think that, I just have a feeling that when it comes to the giant clusterfuck that is human sexuality, that just as BDSM can be an actual orientation that some people have identified within themselves, so can poly/monogamy. (And I wouldn't say that I'm one of those people, by the way. At least, I'm pretty sure I'm not, although I would be extraordinarily sad if my husband decided that he wanted to be monogamous, and it would indeed be something that I would SERIOUSLY struggle with - even though I haven't had sex with anyone else in literally years.)

    Anyway, all of that is to say that while I agree it is a choice for many (whether well-thought out or poorly informed or whatever), I'm not convinced that it is a choice for EVERYBODY.


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