On Processing

People have these things called feelings. And feelings, they are messy. They often don't make sense unless you sit down and try to analyze them.  Look at them.  Think about them.  Give them more time and attention than most want to. 


The thing is, though, you need to.  So you do it anyway, and hope at the end of this long, annoying, difficult process you come to some conclusions. Cause the last thing anyone wants to do is spend an hour writing or typing out their feelings, and their thoughts on their feelings, and where they think their feelings come from, only to end up with no new ideas or conclusions about these messy messy emotional things.

So I've spent the better part of the last day and a half processing my feelings, thinking about my feelings, talking to myself (yup, out loud at times) about my emotions. And where they come from. And why they come up at certain times. And how I think I can cope with them. And it has all been healthy and productive and fucking annoying. But, and this is a big but (giggles), I feel a billion times better for having done it.

SkinnyBitch keeps telling me I process my emotions quickly. I don't know if I do; I have no other gage to go by. I can say that, having been in a relaitonship for 3 1/2 years where I intentionally did not process my emotions because I knew I would just add on more reasons to leave, yes, I know why I feel what I feel and can accept the reasons behind my emotions. I can sit down with myself, type or write, and by the end of my alone time, be better, no matter what the conclusions I've drawn.

Why? Because it isn't about the conclusions, per say. It is more about the process itself. It is about me understanding myself, me working through my emotions. Me accepting that yes, I have ugly duckling syndrome. And yes, I show my emotions instead of tell (something I am striving to change). And yes, I do care about these people and I should say something. And no, the world will not end when I do, even though, to me, it feels like it will.

Being an adult, as shitty as it can be, is dealing with your shit. So process people. Your life, your friends, and the world at large will be better for it.