"...that was the end of my possum career."

I was reading nytimes.com today and came across an article featuring stories from people who were alive during the Depression.
I love the first one. I thought I should share it and the other tales about a time much worse than ours.

Making Ends Meet in the Great Depression

Self Analysis

I think my biggest problem about my weight in my mindset. I ate my way into this problem. I keep thinking I can just eat my way out of it. But it doesn't work that way. That I know logically. But getting myself to consistently wake up in the morning to work out or going to the gym after work proves itself a difficult mental block I've put up.

I think subconsciously, whether I want to admit it or not, having this weight makes me feel safer. Being overweight makes you less noticeable. Who cares about the fat girl walking down the road. I am constantly afraid of being attacked. Somehow, I got it in my mind that if I was fat, no one would bother. I know that's not true, but that's the way I thought for a long time.

Sometimes, I see my mom as my fate. It seems inevitable to me that I will be big for the rest of my life. She looked good young, but gained weight with age. Why wouldn't that also happen to me?

I find excuses, those two the biggest, to just let it happen, let myself stay 100 pounds over my ideal weight. I don't want to be this size. But it is just so easy to do nothing.

Until I accept the fact that doing nothing is the wrong choice, that not being proactive about getting healthy makes it worse, I'll never be the person I want to be. I'll just be the fat girl, walking down the street, hoping no one notices her.

Disgusted

To be perfectly honest, it's hard for me to look in a mirror. It's hard for me to see what I've done to myself. I find my physical appearance disgusting. No one should feel this way about themselves.

One would think this would galvanize me into action, when, in fact, it's done the opposite. Instead of going to the gym, I find myself sleeping in my car, waiting for the time to go by. My hope if being my high school weight again seems far away, almost hopeless.

In my head, I know what I should be doing. It's getting the rational part of my mind to dictate what I do. Currently, the emotional side wins out 75% of the time.

I feel like shit. I look like shit. This is not a good day for me.

Uncomfortable

My father recently had his 79th birthday. I called him, cause I'm a good daughter, and, of all the things for him to mention, he asked how my weight loss was going. I told him I was trying, but as of late I had not been to the gym. He encouraged me to do better. He talked about how he had recently gone to a 50 year reunion with his college, and he was one of the few who didn't look his age. He laughed about how all these other folks looked 80, having "let themselves go."

My dad, even though he is old, is more fit than I. He runs around a reservoir near his home for exercise. He had knee surgery some years back to make sure he could keep doing this as he aged. My father is the model of health; I am not.

It is intimidating having an entire side of my family look so good while I myself feel like crap. Both of my half brothers are fit. I don't know if my father's intelligence was the only thing I inherited, but it feels that way. I like to do things that are "active," but I, at times, lack the will power to make myself get off of my couch.

My mother is not the picture of health. I know I learned my slovenly ways from the way we lived. Television is fun. Eating and doing nothing is comforting. The situation I am in is difficult. It is so easy to just forget I have a problem. I try not to think the fact that if I don't do something, I am going to have serious health problems later on in my life.

I don't know what it will take for me to change. I used to think once I got to college, it would be easier. I would do it myself. There was a free gym and lots of free time, so I thought. In the end, I had a major that required a lot of hours of work out side of the classroom. I also had two jobs. It was easy to just not think about my weight.

In fact, my junior year I lost a significant amount of weight. But this had less to do with my activity and more to do with my being broke. I lived on a $10/week food budget, free food clubs gave away, and my friends' scraps. People have asked me if I could do this again; after all, it worked before. I don't know if I want to do this again. I don't think it was healthy. But then again, is what I have done since healthy?

Maybe I do need to try something drastic. Or maybe I need to stop being lazy.

Slacker

Okay, I admit it: I didn't go to the gym AT ALL last week. I was lazy and snoozed through each time I was suppose to wake my SO and myself up in the morning. After work, I found excuses to avoid the YMCA. Bad panda.

Because of my snooze addiction, it is now my SO's job to get us up at 6:30a, Monday through Friday, and get our butts in the gym.

Today I weighed myself. Two months in and I've lost four pounds which, surprisingly, is relieving. This means:

1) I've stopped gaining weight. I gained 30 pounds in the first year of my relationship with my SO. It's been a few pounds more since then.

2) Some weight is coming off. It may be slow, but it is sure.

This morning we attended a Tai Chi class. You'd be surprised how much you have to work just to smoothly move your body while keeping your feet planted.

I've gotten into the habit of cooking for two hours on Sunday, prepping all my lunches and dinners for the week. I cook enough dinners for both myself and my SO because, I've found, if one of us eats out, the other will too.

This week will be bad again for the after work workouts. I missed yesterday to run to the bank. Today I'm visiting with friends. Tomorrow, I have to work. I think I'll be able to fit in cardio on Thursday. Friday, I have my first therapy session, so I don't know.

I'm trying.

Fake Spring

The weather outside, these past few days, has been amazing. I've worn shorts to work since Monday. I went swimming at my local YMCA, and the outdoor pool was available. It's been great.

But it's a fraud. It's not spring yet. It's February.

I hate that stupid groundhog. For as long as I can remember, in my yuppie lifetime, it has never given me an early spring. I know I'll soon have to put my long johns back on. I can't really enjoy this because I know it won't last.

Give me endless sunshine. Give me warm days and cools nights. Give me my summer baby days again.

This is just a cock tease. Fucking global warming.

The Menacing Minority

I've tried to express, multiple times in fact, how I've felt these past few weeks about the Republicans in the House and Senate. Each time, my anger, frustration, and annoyance has not translated into what I'd written. So, rather than being witty and ironic, I will speak plainly.

House Republicans said they could not support the bill because they were not included in its making. They could not support it, even though it contained some of the largest tax cuts in this country's history. They complained about a provision for family planning. (It seemed obvious to me that preventing the creation of more mouths to feed helped us in the overall struggle to feed ourselves.) This small provision was taken out, after having been widely criticized by the GOP, as a peace offering to bring them on board. But not one Republican voted for the bill. Not one, after the talks and overtures from President Obama. Not one.

I think the house Republicans realized something quite interesting about their situation. The prevailing reason why they were elected to their seats was who they represent, majority Republican districts that may never vote Democrat. They don't need to work to help the economy. They don't need to support the President. In fact, they score more points if they oppose the bill, because they can say, "I stood up to the majority, even when it was hard. I took on the President." To them, the economy is second. Looking good on television, and in rallies, is first.

Now the Senate is trying to pull together a compromise. Moderates are trying to find a way to come together and pass a bill to help the American people. And yet, there is still opposition in the worst way.

There is a proposal to cut the bill in half, making the majority of it for tax cuts. Any economist will tell you, tax cuts alone will not get us out of this turmoil. If tax cuts were the solution, the $600 I received in the mail last spring would have done the trick. You can't just give people money. You have to funnel it out in the right ways.

Tax cuts are one sided. Maybe I will spend a bit more with the extra $40 a week. I'm sure some people will. But others will save it. Tax cuts, though helpful, are not the only solution. Government spending injects money directly into the economy, and it is spent over and over again. Government spending and tax cuts, together, are the way to kick start this economy.

I am surprised daily how the Republicans are able to control the flow of government, whether in the majority or not. I am surprised that the previous administration has the nerve to criticize the current administration, even though that is never done until at least a year later. But then again, I shouldn't be surprise. The past eight years can attest to what the GOP is capable of.

What I am surprised about is that the Democrats don't have the balls to do it, too. I was glad when the President stopped trying to reach out to the Republicans and started talking to them like their leader. He was elected to the highest office of the land. He was chosen to steer this country in a new direction, to fix the looming problems of the past, and to usher in a new regime of change and hope, honesty and integrity. He wasn't elected to be a hall monitor or guidance counselor. He is the principle. It is time he started weilding his belt.

You are the Majority, my fellow liberals. Start acting like it. Go on the attack. Get your message out. Don't let the menacing minority spin the good you are trying to do. Show the world that it is really they who are harming the economy by bickering and stalling, instead of compromising and acting.

You were elected to lead. Act like it.