Self Analysis

I think my biggest problem about my weight in my mindset. I ate my way into this problem. I keep thinking I can just eat my way out of it. But it doesn't work that way. That I know logically. But getting myself to consistently wake up in the morning to work out or going to the gym after work proves itself a difficult mental block I've put up.

I think subconsciously, whether I want to admit it or not, having this weight makes me feel safer. Being overweight makes you less noticeable. Who cares about the fat girl walking down the road. I am constantly afraid of being attacked. Somehow, I got it in my mind that if I was fat, no one would bother. I know that's not true, but that's the way I thought for a long time.

Sometimes, I see my mom as my fate. It seems inevitable to me that I will be big for the rest of my life. She looked good young, but gained weight with age. Why wouldn't that also happen to me?

I find excuses, those two the biggest, to just let it happen, let myself stay 100 pounds over my ideal weight. I don't want to be this size. But it is just so easy to do nothing.

Until I accept the fact that doing nothing is the wrong choice, that not being proactive about getting healthy makes it worse, I'll never be the person I want to be. I'll just be the fat girl, walking down the street, hoping no one notices her.

Disgusted

To be perfectly honest, it's hard for me to look in a mirror. It's hard for me to see what I've done to myself. I find my physical appearance disgusting. No one should feel this way about themselves.

One would think this would galvanize me into action, when, in fact, it's done the opposite. Instead of going to the gym, I find myself sleeping in my car, waiting for the time to go by. My hope if being my high school weight again seems far away, almost hopeless.

In my head, I know what I should be doing. It's getting the rational part of my mind to dictate what I do. Currently, the emotional side wins out 75% of the time.

I feel like shit. I look like shit. This is not a good day for me.

Uncomfortable

My father recently had his 79th birthday. I called him, cause I'm a good daughter, and, of all the things for him to mention, he asked how my weight loss was going. I told him I was trying, but as of late I had not been to the gym. He encouraged me to do better. He talked about how he had recently gone to a 50 year reunion with his college, and he was one of the few who didn't look his age. He laughed about how all these other folks looked 80, having "let themselves go."

My dad, even though he is old, is more fit than I. He runs around a reservoir near his home for exercise. He had knee surgery some years back to make sure he could keep doing this as he aged. My father is the model of health; I am not.

It is intimidating having an entire side of my family look so good while I myself feel like crap. Both of my half brothers are fit. I don't know if my father's intelligence was the only thing I inherited, but it feels that way. I like to do things that are "active," but I, at times, lack the will power to make myself get off of my couch.

My mother is not the picture of health. I know I learned my slovenly ways from the way we lived. Television is fun. Eating and doing nothing is comforting. The situation I am in is difficult. It is so easy to just forget I have a problem. I try not to think the fact that if I don't do something, I am going to have serious health problems later on in my life.

I don't know what it will take for me to change. I used to think once I got to college, it would be easier. I would do it myself. There was a free gym and lots of free time, so I thought. In the end, I had a major that required a lot of hours of work out side of the classroom. I also had two jobs. It was easy to just not think about my weight.

In fact, my junior year I lost a significant amount of weight. But this had less to do with my activity and more to do with my being broke. I lived on a $10/week food budget, free food clubs gave away, and my friends' scraps. People have asked me if I could do this again; after all, it worked before. I don't know if I want to do this again. I don't think it was healthy. But then again, is what I have done since healthy?

Maybe I do need to try something drastic. Or maybe I need to stop being lazy.

Slacker

Okay, I admit it: I didn't go to the gym AT ALL last week. I was lazy and snoozed through each time I was suppose to wake my SO and myself up in the morning. After work, I found excuses to avoid the YMCA. Bad panda.

Because of my snooze addiction, it is now my SO's job to get us up at 6:30a, Monday through Friday, and get our butts in the gym.

Today I weighed myself. Two months in and I've lost four pounds which, surprisingly, is relieving. This means:

1) I've stopped gaining weight. I gained 30 pounds in the first year of my relationship with my SO. It's been a few pounds more since then.

2) Some weight is coming off. It may be slow, but it is sure.

This morning we attended a Tai Chi class. You'd be surprised how much you have to work just to smoothly move your body while keeping your feet planted.

I've gotten into the habit of cooking for two hours on Sunday, prepping all my lunches and dinners for the week. I cook enough dinners for both myself and my SO because, I've found, if one of us eats out, the other will too.

This week will be bad again for the after work workouts. I missed yesterday to run to the bank. Today I'm visiting with friends. Tomorrow, I have to work. I think I'll be able to fit in cardio on Thursday. Friday, I have my first therapy session, so I don't know.

I'm trying.

Rejection

I got a big fat letter in the mail today from my current healthcare provider. I am in the process of starting a new position and wanted to keep the insurance I have. So, I applied to my current provider, just as an individual instead of under a group plan. I told them everything I could think of that I have dealth with medically. I thought I would be fine. They already cover me. Why wouldn't they cover me now?

Sorry, but you're too fat. That was the verdict, said in nicer words. It doesn't matter that I'm in great health, blood pressure normal, no problems to speak of. I'm fat, so they won't accept me, even though they have had me for the past 1 1/2 years. Pissed can't even begin to describe how I feel.

I have been with this company since I was a child. My mother had this company and I received coverage until I was out of college. I was accepted by my current job's plan after two years without insurance. Thankfully, their healthcare was with the same provider. But now, I am going to be without again.

Count me among the 41 million. I have just been fucked over by the health insurance industry.

Overweight

I am 5'6". The last time I stepped on a scale, it read 240lbs. Granted, it was the middle of the day, but you get the point. I'm fat. In fact, I am the heaviest I have ever been. (no use in sugarcoating the situation)

I knew I had a problem one day when I looked in the mirror and saw my chin was growing a companion. My thighs rub together. I get tired by the simplest of physical activities. It's just not pretty.

For me to be at a healthy weight, I need to loose 80lbs. I honestly don't know the last time I was 160lbs. (maybe middle or high school)

To look at me, you wouldn't know how heavy I am. I guess a lifetime of being the chubby kid helps one to instinctively dress to disguise. But not seeing it doesn't stop it from being true.

For the most part, my weight gain has been little by little. However, I am currently in a relationship where my significant other eats out every night. Our cohabitating for the past two years has accelerated my gain. (about 20lbs in two years)

In college, when I was broke and on a very tight budget, I survived off a $10/week food budget. Those around me saw the weight melt off. I felt good and looked good. I don't know if my eating habits were the best, but I got down to 180lbs.

Unfortunately, I am no longer broke. I don't pay attention to my calories like I should. I never learned portion control. And, to be completely frank, I'm lazy. I like physical activities, but lack the drive to go do them or stick with them. (hence the gym membership I'm hoping to use again sometime this year)

And thus I have articulated all of the reasons (excuses) for my current circumstance. Now you get to see me try to remedy my predicament and cease being the Designated Ugly Fat Friend.