The Un-Boyfriend

I stopped looking. I stopped trying. 

I have barely touched my OKCupid profile, answered messages, or tried to hookup with anyone since meeting OKC boy.

It came to me last night, as I snuggled up in bed, reading a blog before my eyelids shut for the evening: OKC boy is the perfect un-boyfriend.

We have had three "dates". The first was our initial meeting at a nearby Starbucks. I realized a few things from that two hours of chatting. 1- He's hot. 2- He's geektastic. 3- He has an avoidant attachment style, just like me.

Our second "date" involved him visiting my house. He was late (minus five points), but then set out to explain his tardiness as we sat and drank in my living room. His excuse seemed plausible enough.

And then we fucked for three hours. That part was rather pleasant. Oh, who am I kidding. It was awesome. Turns out (shocker) my sexual appetite is greater than his. I wanted to keep fucking after round number four, but he was spent and had other plans for his evening.

Our third "date" actually involved leaving my house. We ate pancakes at a local diner and chatted... before coming back to my home to fuck for a few hours. Once again, the sex was great. And then he left.

I have created the perfect and worst possible situation for myself. I am, on occasion, screwing an incredibly intelligent, attractive, goal oriented guy... who is not interested in a relationship right now.

"Let's see where things go" in answer to my "I'd like us to be more than friends" was a gentle way of him letting me know all I could expect was sex and laughs. I'm grateful for his half-assed answer.

But now I find myself in the very situation I don't want to be in, and yet am drawn towards.

I've learned from my time with Doc that what is happening, what I'm doing, is hitting all of my anxious avoidant buttons. I was so very nervous when I slipped in my hope as we chatted, naked on a futon bed in the basement. When I heard his answer, I got the hint. Later, when he casually mentioned how focused he was on his career and that he used OKC just for hooking up, I really got the hint.

Since then I've barely thought about him other than when are we going to fuck again.  But I also haven't worked towards finding anyone else.  I've switched from being anxious about what could be with him to being avoidant to the issue at hand: this is not a real relationship.

I've put myself in a place I don't want, again. My emotional energy is going towards someone who is not going to give it back. In a not-at-all-surprising way, I have recreated the situation I saw as love in my house, a mostly absent male figure occasionally dropping in for moments and then leaving.

Why does this keep happening?

Well...

1- I'm drawn to distant male figures, either emotionally distant, physically distant, or both.

2- My parents' example taught me that that was what loves was, longing for the person who isn't there, taking in the bits of them that they allow you to have, and believing that is okay. (Hint: IT IS NOT OKAY!)

3- Even though it is what I rage against, sometimes I think it's what I want. Not really want, but what I know. What I'm used to. It's hard for me to change unless a situation gets to be unbearable. And here I find myself with a hot intelligent not-an-asshole boy ready to fuck me about once every few weeks.

But this is not what I want from a relationship. However, it is what I know, where I'm comfortable, how I've lived much of my adult sexual life. Everything in me wants to change this, wants more than just fucking (though I still want the fucking).

I want the chest feelings with the pants feelings. I want a warm body in my bed at night to snuggle me to sleep, and a pillow to nudge my head against when I wake up in the morning. I want a partner to open up to about how scared I am for my mother, how nervous I am about going back to school, how much stuff I want to do with my writing and presenting. I want someone on my side rather than just in between my legs.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want an un-boyfriend. I want a boyfriend.

But how will I ever get what I want when it's so easy (even when it's hard) to just stay here.

(Cue tears...)

...

...

/end crying

The Upside to Amputation

"I know this is hard, and you can totally tell me to fuck off, but can you see an upside to this revelation?" - Doc

"Well, yes. I invested a lot of emotional energy their way, so now that I've accepted that the fantasy in my head won't happen, I can invest most of that emotional energy elsewhere. And maybe that'll lead to other things, other connections. But, I mean, really... you can find an upside to amputation." - me

I'm not in the best mood right now.

I had a good therapy session today in that what Doc and I talked about was important and big and a good guide post of where I need to go next. But it also sucked because I accepted a fact that, for quite a while, I didn't want to and have been doing my best to avoid.

A fantasy of a life I wanted to have got shot down in the kindest way possible.

Accepting reality, accepting that a dream I had will not be, is not an easy thing to do or an easy place to live. Yet that is one of the points of me going to Doc in the first place: growing emotionally as a person, being strong enough to face my life instead of creating some story that I live in instead of the cold hard real.

Doc thought my snarky comment was actually poignant.  He likened how I was feeling to amputation, cutting out a part of myself in order to heal.

So now, with VD (my not-so-affectionate nickname for Valentine's Day) approaching, I'm having all these other craptastic emotions along with the new stew I brewed today.

Thinking back on my VD history, I have no positive memories that aren't marred in some way.

There was my Ex, who didn't believe in giving gifts and never would acknowledge me as his girlfriend or that we were in a relationship. One VD I wrote him little notes and planted them in his cigarettes and his pocket. He liked them, and said thank you, but that was it. We went along as we were after that; nothing really changed til I left, but that's how it was always going to be with him.

There was the one time in First Grade (when everything seems to start) when I wrote a VD card for a boy I liked named Noel. The girl sitting beside me saw the card, and then yelled my intention to the entire class like it was some huge horrible thing. I was trying to be sweet and she ruined it. No wonder I have trouble expressing my emotions, little cunt.

And now, with more of my VD's spent unpartnered rather than coupled, I have new knowledge crapping all over my mind.

I suspect things with OKC boy may not work out. From our interactions over the phone, it seems like we want different things. We're getting together on Friday, and I've already resigned myself to the fact that we may have a less than pleasant conversation (though this will probably happen after sex during hang out time).

Doc pointed out that this was good; in dealing with OKC boy I am solidifying what I want and need from a relationship. As in most things in life, it is a learning experience.

Also, as in most things in life, it is annoying and frustrating and kind of headache-making.

The one solace to my VD this year lies in a simple fact: during that day I will be distracted from morning til night.

VD falls on the Thursday before Winter Fire, and I am again on staff. This year, though, I am on the non-dungeon setup crew. No more music craziness. No crying fits in the bathroom. No stress induced anger. I will setup, have my event, break down, and go home.

I will make new memories, have new experiences to draw on, to remember, to cherish. I've already got eight playdates in the works (nine if you count my hope for a self suspension). There is an opportunity for me to read some of my erotica, catch up with far away friends, and spend time with ones close to home but who I do no see enough.

I love that, on this VD, I can really just say fuck it to all the shit that normally pisses me off. I will be a happy little kinkster helping other kinky folk have amazing sexy times. I can view no better way to spend my VD than doing that.

Is This It?

~ my poly adventure continues ~



I had this ranty angry full-of-feelings blog written out earlier today. I was sitting, waiting for my car to be serviced, with plenty of time to delve into some not-so-fun topics, when I roughed out a fairly good blog entry.

But that's not what I'm posting today. You'll get that one next time.

I feel like I can't post that blog, not now, not when my cheeks hurt from smiling, not when I feel like this.

Some may know what the name of this particular blog entry is in reference to, and if you don't that's okay. I'll explain in just a moment.

I picked the name for two reasons. 1- I've been working on a project (that I'll hopefully debut soon) that happened to feature that very line exactly one year ago; I found it quite apropos for what I'm writing about now. And 2- It was what I was thinking earlier today, what kept circling through my mind, while I had a long chat in a coffee shop.

I've made it known that I'm trying out OKCupid with varying degrees of meh. Up until recently, I had mostly less-than-stellar persons messaging me, mostly looking for casual sex, which in and of itself was not a bad thing, but the lack of caring in even the initial gestures was, well, shitty.

Recently I revamped my profile and came at OKC from a different angle: I would be discerning, and blunt, and not put up with less than I felt was worthy of my time and energy.

This did two things. (Can you tell I like lists?) 1- The volume of my messages severely decreased. And 2- The quality of my messages greatly increased.

Thus I found myself today going on my third OKC date.

Being that my first two had been less than desired, I decided to give myself a carrot for the possible stick that would come. I swung through a nearby shop and glanced through their clothes. I saw a few things here and there that I liked, and I promised myself that if I just got through the date I would allow myself to come back.

So, having perked up my attitude, knowing at the very least I would reward myself with something from the store if everything else about the next minimum fifteen minutes went wrong, I walked to the coffee shop.

I popped open my OKC app to look up the gentleman's name and glanced at his picture again so that I could find him among the crowd. As I stepped into the line, I looked to my right and saw a rather handsome man sitting at a table.

Is that...?

I checked the app again.

Holy shit. I think that... Yes. Yes!

I took a few deep breaths, containing my glee. My stomach growled, so I picked up a snack with my hot chocolate. I paid. I centered my thoughts, tamped down my giddiness, and waited for my drink. Everything in hand, I walked over.

We exchanged hellos. I sat down. We started chatting. The chat lasted for longer than fifteen minutes.

I won't go into much more detail, but I will say this: I found myself asking, over and over again, Is this it? Is this it? Could this be a person I spend more time with? Befriend? Fuck? More than fuck?

Obviously, I didn't get my answer; it is far too soon, having just met him.

Well, actually, no... I did get an answer. Maybe. Maybe this could be something. Maybe this is it, whatever it is. And that was way more than I had expected, or even hoped for, when my day began.

As our talk progressed from the coffee shop to a few nearby stores, including picking up some more fun/funky socks for myself, I found myself smiling and laughing and genuinely enjoying my time with him. We talked Dr. Who, BSG, and the Whedonverse. So far, I really like this guy.

What do you know? Doc was right. I just had to stay open and keep looking.

Must Eat Pussy

I have not been on OKCupid for long, but in my brief stint I have grown disheartened, disillusioned, and dis, I mean pissed, off in general by the crop of folk migrating my way.

It seems so simple, and yet it also seems to be the hardest thing in the world: a person who I find attractive sending me a coherent thoughtful message.

As such, I have decided to soon augment my profile with some information that will hopefully weed out unsuitable applicants who come upon my page. Of course they may just ignore my words all together, but at least I tried a little harder.

Henceforth, here are some of the basic standards I intend to hold up as the introductory requirements for me even considering someone for possible dates.

1) Thou shalt not be a douche.

You can be an asshole, if you are a fun lovable asshole. There are assholes in my life that have done some asshole-ish things to me, but I asked for it. Assholes can make things way more interesting, can push you to be more honest than you might want to be. Fun lovable assholes are good.

You can be geeky. In fact, I would prefer you at least be a little bit geeky. Geeky is fucking awesome. We can geek out about Battlestar Galactica or Harry Potter or the Avengers. We can share our geekiness with each other and marvel in all the geeky awesomeness that we are. Geekiness is a plus.

You can be passionate, ecstatic, full of life and energy. You can run around ready to teach and learn and grow and shape the people around you and reshape yourself.

You can be quiet, reserved, yet a totally great person I want to be around. You don't need to be loud or boisterous. Just being yourself is great in and out itself, without all the bells and whistles.

But a douche... 

A douche brings everyone down. A douche turns awesome to awkward. A douche takes the party from YAY! to meh. I will find it very hard to like you, let alone date you, if you are a douche. No douches accepted; please keep it moving if you are a douche.

2) Thou shalt not be a hermit.

My last "relationship" involved me with an anti-social individual. Most of our time was spent at either my place or his (or ours when we moved in together). I tried to be happy with it just being us, or me leaving to go do things alone with my friends. All the time. Never with him. But I was lying to myself.

I'm not saying I'll expect us to do everything together, because no. But we will do some things together. 

I can, at times, be a little social butterfly. Yes, I go to quite a few events and visit my friends all over this great planet. But if I had a partner, a person I was fully committed to, I would make more than enough time for us, just us. And then I would want you to come along for the ride, experiencing some of the fun stuff with me.

I want a travel companion, a concert buddy, a hotel roommate, a lover, and a friend.

3) Thou shalt talk.

Not only was my Ex anti-social, he didn't talk about his feelings. Ever. Very big problem.

I'm not saying I expect us to go into marathon gab sessions where we explore the inner reaches of our moral code, dissect the influence of our parents and siblings on who we are, and finally realize the thing that has held us back from true enlightenment.

But I do expect us to talk. Tell me if something upsets you. Makes you happy. How was your day? I want to know that. Is there something bothering you? Something you want to expound on that makes you happy.

Talk. Because if you don't then we will have problems because...

4) We shall be poly.

I am poly. I am poly. I don't stop being poly just because I don't currently have any partners, nor will I cease to be poly because the immensity of your love with fill me to the brim with all the blahblahblah.

No. I am poly.

I have the great capacity to love many people, and would love to have multiple special important lovers in my life. I want partners, dammit, and the idea of denying myself a full rich life because someone wants to change my mind or, worse still, change me, is heartbreaking. And a definite dealbreaker.

I am all for us going slow, not jumping into a W configuration with random semi-permanent offshoots. But if poly is not a possibility for you, if merely the idea of multiple caring emotionally invested lovers does not compute, we shouldn't even start.

Inevitably, when I tell you about this person I met, or this friendship that is developing into something more, and you tense up, or turn cold, we will be done. You will make an ultimatum or remain quiet until one day blowing up at me, and that will be it. And what would our time together have been for if you lied to both me and yourself from the beginning.

& 5) Thou shalt meet the basics and fucking exceed them.

- You have a job or are actively searching for steady employment.

- You own your own car or have the ability to transport yourself without my assistance.

- You do not live with your parents. (Roommates, great. Parents, no.)

- You can write grammatically correct sentences, which will then form a coherent paragraph, possibly leading to multiple thoughts encompassed in a short essay.

- YOU READS BOOKS! Not a sports page. Not a magazine. But a book. (Bonus points if you know the reference. If not, your welcome.)

- You have the ability to engage in intelligent thoughtful conversation on a range of topics and issues. (For example: You know the difference between Iran and Iraq. And you can find them on a map.)

- You are not an ultra-conservative Republican. No. Just no. Trust me; no.

- You are kinky, or you are kink aware and accepting, realizing I will need to find my kink elsewhere.

- You wholeheartedly accept gay people, their civil right to marriage and families. 

- You are pro-choice.

- You enjoy whit and humor, both high and low brow.

- You practice basic hygiene rituals. (See above link.)

- MUST EAT PUSSY! This is a dealbreaker. Seriously, if you don't eat pussy, don't even say hi. Don't try to be funny or witty or baby step around it. No. Just don't. So. Fucking. Annoying.

If you can abide by all of the above, and then some, then maybe, MAYBE you can date a poetic.

Because that's another thing.  Just because you meet the minimum doesn't mean we'll click.  It doesn't mean I'll find you attractive or you, after inspecting the goods, will find me attractive.  And that's okay. 

But, for the love of all that is good, the fact that people can't even meet the minimum is rage-making.

/rant

Three Notes On My Poly Adventure

I guess this is going to be an ongoing random series, me talking about my poly life (or lack there of).

1) Pedestrian Polyamory

So I now am listening to yet another polyamory podcast. This one came as recommendation from a friend and I am loving it.

The podcast is called Pedestrian Polyamory. Our hosts are a triad, Gavin Katz & Shira B Katz, a married cis-gendered heterosexual couple (I think all of that is true. I've listened to almost six episodes and that seems to be an apt description for them) and the wife's second primary, The Transient.

I love these guys. My first peek at them came from Poly Weekly, when the wife was featured as well as others on another podcast she is a member of, Life On The Swingset. (Yup, she does two podcasts. Someone is a bit busy.)

The first actual Pedestrian episode I listened to was the Depressisode in which they talk about dealing in a poly relationship when one partner has depression. I think it says a lot that I listened to this one first and still kept coming back. If you can entertain me with a topic as sad as depression and make me want to keep listening for more, I think you've got something there folks.

Pedestrian Polyamory wants to air once a week, but it appears closer to twice a month. They've not been around long, I think a year, but still I like those folks and will continue to listen to them.

2) OKC update

So I had my first OKCupid date today. I met a guy at a small dive bar for a drink.

When I first showed up, there was a bartender and two other guys sitting at a bar watching a football game. Thankfully I saw they sold hard cider. I ordered an Angry Orchard and joined the guys in watching their game.

About five minutes in, another guy walked in and took a seat. I only got a passing glance at his face. When I peeked over, I thought he might be my OKC date. I checked his picture on the site again (fuck, I love my smart phone), and confirmed it was him.

And then I got nervous. Was I suppose to go to him? Should I wait for him to make a move?

Thankfully the football game ended, so I had a natural reason to stand up and go over. I introduced myself and sat down.

We chatted for about thirty minutes on normal first meeting topics: work, life in general. When the conversation veered towards kink, I could tell he was not versed in the subject.

Around the thirty minute mark, I said it was getting late and dark (which for fall was true). I told him it was nice meeting him and then left.

He was a nice guy but there was zero spark. Like none. At all. Whatsoever.

I didn't have a bad time, but... no.  I won't be seeing him again.

One down. How many more to go...?

3)My book

So I am participating in National Novel Writing Month to varying degrees of success. I am incredibly behind in my word count, but I endeavour still.

I mention this fact because of the subject of my book. It is a day in the life of a poly person. Because I picked a super special day, all of their partners show up and interact with the main character.

What I find kind of interesting about the story is I can see myself crafting my ideal of my perfect poly tribe. Not that there isn't conflict (cause any story without conflict is dull as fuck), but as I write more and more I'm finding myself shaping fantasy sex scenes, fantasy living arrangements, fantasy emotional connections, and, most recently, a fantasy collaring ceremony.

I look forward to finishing the book, even though I am so far behind, and then being able to share it with the world at large, and you, my readers, at... intimate.

Two Notes On My Poly Adventure

1) In my continuing kink/BDSM/poly education, I have started listening to Poly Weekly podcast. I highly recommend the podcast. Cunning Minx is kind of awesome.

Recently, while partaking of a post during the dinner break at work, I heard about an interesting poly practice. It's called the 100% Game.

The rules are simple.

1- Ask for 100% of what you want from your partner 100% of the time.
2- Being willing to accept your partner's answer.

See, simple. Except, for a person like me who finds it rather difficult to put myself first in most situations, not so simple.

Since I don't have partners, I've instead tried to do this with my close friends, just as good practice, pushing myself to be more honest emotionally and making my needs/wants known and heard. Now, having read that last statement, you probably realized that "tried" was the operative word.

I find it so hard to ask for what I want almost all the time. So hard. I have visions of people judging me, rejecting me, pitch forks and knives and such. And the thought of me asking for everything that I wanted all the time is not only scary but kind of exhausting. But I'm giving this a go anyway.

I've had varying success, one notable instance that, when I look back on it, it was so simple yet so yes. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

2) Upon the advice of Doc, I have joined OKCupid.

In our last session, he talked about how I seem so open to new experiences in life, how adventurous I tend to be, except when it comes to making connections with people beyond friendship or random play.

He worried that I was still holding myself back from possibilities of love entering my life, not to mention my ease at connecting with people far away as opposed to close by. (Obviously copying the lessons learned from my parents, i.e. distance is safe.)

I was, and still am, reluctant to the process. I mentioned the website to a few of my vanilla friends, who recommended it, citing a few marriages that have come from it. I mentioned OKC (see, I'm learning the slang already) to some of my kink friends and they praised it for its openness to poly and kinky folk.

So, I'm trying. It's only been a few days, therefore I'm holding out judgement for now.

One feature I do like about the site is the questions portion. Some are very random. Some are highly relevant (religion, sex, political views). The one down side is the site keeps dinging me for not giving importance to other people's answers. I find myself easily answering most of the questions, but not really caring what other people think about them, mostly because I often don't care what other people think.

My only exceptions have been the sexual questions and the morality/political views. I, in my twenty-nine years on this earth, know I cannot date/hookup/hang out with anyone who is the polar opposite of my political views or sees my kinky life style in some sort of immoral fashion.

Still, this is all very new. I have been getting lots of messages sent. Doc explained this would happen because I was fresh meat (his words, not mine) and would pop up in people's feeds. I guess I'll just have to see if anything comes of this.

Once again, I'll keep you posted.