Therapeutic Rope

GKE: The Geeky Kink Event

I am sure there will be many a blog, FetLife post, Tweet, and multitudes of other writings about this past weekend. Instead of being one of those who talks about what went right and what went wrong, instead I'll just speak on a few of my experiences there.

The first of my trio of GKE moments I'm calling Therapeutic Rope.

This past weekend was full of emotions for all my friends as we traveled to New Jersey and attended this first ever event. My roommate SkinnyBitch and I shared a hotel room with two other friends. Both she and I were churning feelings like whirlpools, but hoped we would have pleasant fun times all the same.

And we did, somewhat, but at one point we each needed space to just feel.

I gave SkinnyBitch a few moments of stillness Saturday night. I had wanted to rig her in a simple suspension, something to get her mind off of present situations and maybe give her some happy floaty feelings. Unfortunately, when we checked out the Dungeon spaces, all hard points were occupied.

Instead, we headed back to our room. Our other two roomies were off having fun. We cleared our bed and, I explained what kind of binding I wanted to do. She agreed and I began.

I pulled out my rope and set it on the bed. She was already sitting in just her underwear. I suggested music. She had a song she wanted me to hear, called Lotion. For those who don't know it, think of a certain scene from Silence of the Lambs, set to music.

As it played, we both had to laugh, a good way to start. Before I put my rope on her body, I just had to let her know that, no matter what, I loved her and would always be there for her. She said she knew.

Kneeling behind her, I wrapped my rope around her chest, and created a constrictive box tie. Scouting her back, which again illicited giggles from us both, her head rested on some pillows I'd set up.  I then secured her ankles together. Last, I bent her knees and tied the binding on her ankles to her thighs.

She laid there, unable to move, quiet, thinking. When she was ready, she began to talk. I listened. She cried. I stayed with her. I was silent but compassionate. I let her be. My ropes forced her to just be. When she was ready, I freed her bindings. She felt better.

She stayed in the room that night, opting to relax with one of our roommates and just watch tv. I, however, headed back out.

Big Bro had promised me some rope, and I had asked for a hard rope takedown. Finding him in one of the Dungeon spaces, I patiently waited. When it was my turn, I stripped down and stepped under his arch. I mentally prepared myself. I stretched. I breathed.

He started from behind me, wrapping his rope around my torso. He opted to secure my arms, but let my hands hang down free. His first hard jolt rocked my chest forward. His second, which included a kick to my left shoulder, knocked me down to one knee. After some more work, he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me fully down to the ground. I began sobbing. He tied one leg, then the other. My head rested on its side on the floor.

I let my tears flow, let my sobs out, let myself feel what I had been holding back. I acknowledged the pain I'd hidden from myself, acknowledged the emotions I had pushed aside. I made myself be important, instead of putting others first, just for this scene.

He began untying me. I silenced my tears, quieted my sobs. Diamond, one of his partners, brought over a rag to wipe away my snotted face. As I relaxed into Murphy's arms, he wouldn't just let it go. He told me to not hold it in, that it was ok to let go. I told him, if I started crying, I didn't know when I'd stop. He said there was nothing wrong with that.

I sobbed, again, this time harder. It started quiet, the silent screams coming out. It soon grew louder, and I really released my pain. For about a minute or two, I swam in it. Then I pulled myself out again.

Big Bro and Lil Sis hugged me. Diamond and Wyldcat, another of Murphy's partners, watched on. Murphy told me to not forget I always had people there for me. I always had someone to lean on. I didn't have to be alone. I was, in fact, surrounded.

My breathing slowed, and my sobs silenced, I cuddled with Lil Sis on the side of the arch. She refused to stop hugging me. I felt much better.

I don't know why my internal pain sometimes needs physical manipulation to manifest itself. I don't know why I, sometimes, hold it all in. I don't know why I put others first, why my own feelings seem less than how others are doing. I don't know why it is so hard for me to acknowledge my needs and wants. I just don't know.

But, for now, I am allowing myself to be sad. I am allowing myself to cry. I'm not weepy all day, languishing around the house or anything. Instead, I just don't deny what I'm feeling. I let myself feel it. That in and of itself is what I need right now. Just to feel.

And I am making myself remember there are people around me to hug and hold and just be with. Though my life is not perfect, there are some pretty fucking good parts, one of which I will talk about next.