To rush everyone up to speed:
1- On Sunday I had "the talk" with the boyfriend. Parts were okay. Parts were bad. It ended so-so.
2- That same day a mutual friend stopped by and helped to break the tension in the room. Since then, we have been friendly.
3- I decided to move closer to work because my gas bill each month is horrendous and my car has accumulated more miles than one should each year.
4- The ex suggested, playfully, we should get another apartment together. I was apprehensive by his even mentioning this, but have been considering it.
Now, my thoughts.
I went apartment shopping today. And, frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do. Though the price range is roughly the same, all of the apartments closer to work are MUCH smaller than where we currently live, even the two bedrooms. I only got a good vibe from one of the complexes. Two of them I'd only consider because of their proximity to work and the fact that there are bombs to kill roaches.
My Dilemma: even though I was apprehensive at first, I am seriously considering moving into another two bedroom apartment with the ex just for the cost savings. If I get a 1BR, it's $1100 (not including gas & electric). If we share a 2BR, it's $1320 (the same we are currently paying). We each would have our own bathroom, including shower (though the master would not have a tub). There would be so much more room and, because it is closer to our jobs, I wouldn't have to drive him anywhere anymore. We would have two separate lives, only interacting when we chose to. We would set up a roommate agreement beforehand, governing our actions in possibly uncomfortable situations. Best of all, we could still be friends and still be a part of each others' lives, but with our so drastically different schedules, only see each other rarely.
Downside: we would still be exes. There are the obvious issues of 1) false hope from one party about the possibility of getting back together (him), 2) when one or both of us moves on, having to deal with seeing the ex with another, not to mention the whole coitus noise issue, and 3) it would be very easy to slip back into bad habits and not allow ourselves the freedom to be all that we can be without the other.
Having said all that, I think knowing up front the problems we would face, setting down in a roommate agreement the plan of action for issues, being honest with each other about feelings (while also being aware of why we can't go back there), and allowing the other to lead a life separate from the friend would be good for us. I think having a roommate who pays on time & in full, and doesn't inspire responses from the cops, would be a boon to both of us, not to mention the cost savings involved ($440! That's a CAR PAYMENT!).
I know I am naive to even be considering this, but after inspecting my possible new dwellings, I have to at least think about it. It is the choice of paying A LOT in rent or rolling the dice on a sketchy place vs. dealing with the ex, a person who I view as a friend. After Sunday, things have been okay between us. No more harsh words, just truths from both of us. I explained, even if I wanted to, how I couldn't reconcile with him because he is not the man I want to be my life partner for the most basic reasons (marriage, finances, children, family). And a major part of the roommate agreement would govern his actions should his mother come upon dire straights again (one week limit of her stay, cannot stay more than twice in a year). I've thought this through, analyzed the possibilities, and am willing to live with any unsavory consequences for the cost savings.
Now, of course, I am assuming the ex will even want to do this. After explaining my reasoning behind never wanting to reconcile, he seemed quite dejected. And if he doesn't I will just have to bite the bullet and pay the $1100/month. But if he is okay with it, if he can live with it, so can I. And, if nothing else, it will make great fodder for a rom/com television script.
PS. And did I mention the 1BR is on the 4th floor, but the 2BR is on the 1st!?! Images of me lugging my bike up three flights of stairs is not appealing, though still a possibility.
PPS. I know your comments are coming. I know you will be honest, but please try not to be harsh.
The Immigrant "Invasion" Is Just WMDs All Over Again
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There is no immigrant invasion at the southern border of the United States.
That needs to be said at the outset any time you wanna talk about What's
Wron...
Oh boy. I don't think it's a good idea, but you knew that already. I have to ask though, if you couldn't trust him when he was your boyfriend, how are you able to trust him as a roommate?
ReplyDeleteMy first, immediate, from-a-distance thought is that you should give yourself as much time as possible to weigh this decision. You've been split up for only a few days and have only begun apartment searching. There are lots of options out there to consider, including roommates, private rentals, etc. not to mention the fact that your feelings or his could change even in the next few days, let alone weeks or months.
ReplyDeleteMy more intimate thinking is that things are going pretty good now - after a couple days - but that is not enough time to really say how they will go into the future. I also feel like it's important to give yourself the space to grow and change and I do not believe that space is available when you are still under the same roof.
I would likely feel differently if you had been dating and come to a mutual agreement that this is not working out but you would like to stay friends. It is different when he betrayed your trust - betrayed you - in a serious way and that is what led to the break up. I may also feel differently if this was some time out from the break up but I do not think that a couple of days of being okay is a good litmus test of the future.