It Hurts & Soft Landing

When one is in a heightened state of emotion, little things can spark an unintended reaction. Everything you see and hear suddenly feels like it is about you. It doesn't matter how mundane or silly it would be normally. Rational seems to escape your every day.

For instance, every since Bad Night, I almost cry about 3-6 times each day, sometimes more. And by almost cry, I mean my eyes start to flood and I make it stop. I have to intentionally pause whatever it is I'm doing and take a breath. This proves more difficult while I'm driving. However, if my SO is sitting beside me, I am able to distract myself from reality.

Every day, since we had our talk, I have thought about how it is going to end. And I know this is what is causing me to have the emotional stability of a teenager. But hey, thems the breaks.

I think it's going to happen tonight. This morning, when my alarm went off, I was already in a bad mood. He could sense it. (I think this may be the first time in our relationship he was able to pick up on my emotions.) I brushed it off as not wanting to go to work, as being tired from working the inauguration, as just wanting to go back to sleep. I suppose when my snoozing didn't do the trick, he knew it was something else.

I'm trying to be better about when I bring up serious conversations. As we are getting ready for work, or while I am driving for an hour in rush hour traffic, did not seem the right time to talk about this. Especially since, if things go too wrong, he may have gotten out of the car on the highway rather than dealing with the situation.

When we got to his work, he asked me why I was so poopy. I told him we would talk about it tonight. He gave me a look and got out of the car. He told me to drive safe. And, unlike other days, didn't wait for me to say "I will" as he closed the door, literally shutting it while I was in medius phrase. How very ironic.

I think he knows what's coming.


All I want is a soft landing. I want my gym buddy. I want my theatre buddy. I want my friend, even if I can't have my husband and my child with him. But, I honestly don't know how he will react tonight.

Scenario One: He shuts down.
This seems to be the easiest and most likely to happen. He will just say, "Okay," and let me go. He has said previously that he thought he would live out his days alone. But that was before me, before us. I suppose everyone falls back on what they know.

Scenario Two: He actually tells me what he's feeling.
This seems the most unlikely to happen. He almost never divulges what's going on in his head. For me, that has been the most frustrating part of the past two years.

I've tried to find out why he doesn't want to marry or have kids. He's never talked emotionally about it. He has talked about how he is fine being alone. And he's told me about his Dad, for whom he has mutual indifference and hatred. Being that his father is dead, I suspect there is more simmering under the surface that he is unwilling to confront.

Scenario Three: He may say a little of what he is feeling.
I think there is at least a chance he will tell me something of substance, but I'm not expecting much.

Unrealistic Hope: He asks me to stay.
He says he will talk to someone. He says he will try. He says we can find a way to be happy together.

Slightly More Realistic Hope: We can still be friends.
After a month, after things have cooled down...maybe.

My SO and I fit in a way I have not felt with any other lover. That is why this hurts so damn much. I'm giving up on a life with a mate who would have made me happy. But he can't give me the things I need, a loving and growing family.

I don't want a half life. My mother never truly had my father. I want a partner and a husband, a provider and protector, but also a father to my children. I thought Steven was that man. I was wrong.

So now, I'm just hoping to keep my friend.