Photo Friday

This week's photo wrap up has a fall theme, though not intentionally. Just sorta happened that way, considering it's autumn and all.

Outside the Office




Sitting in morning rush hour traffic



Trees on the sidewalk



My pumpkin, chillin outside



Closeups of my pumpkin's tattoos



The table was looking at me.




And finally...why so sad Mr. Ladder?

Happy Halloween! <3>

(Un)Healthy Behavior?

[PLEASE NOTE: TAKE NONE OF THIS SERIOUSLY!

This is me venting. This post is not a testament of what current actions I plan to take, nor is it a hashing out of future plans of any kind. This post is for venting purposes only and should be read as such.


Thank you.]

On the drive into work this morning, like just about every other morning, my SO was asleep next to me while I fought through rush hour traffic. I'm changing the radio stations, trying to find something to listen to, when I come upon a song a like. It's called "Let's Get Married" by Jagged Edge. It's an R&B tune with a poppy back beat, something you can bounce your head to and smile while on your way.

The song is one of the few I can think of that is uplifting and joyous about the prospect of marriage from an African American group. And normally I would have listened to and enjoyed it. But circumstance didn't allow that this morning.

Last night, after The Big Bang Theory, I paused the DVR to read Chuck Lorre's vanity card. And on it...well, I'll just quote it:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #231
I believe that inherent within the God-given right to the pursuit of happiness, is the equally God-given right to the pursuit of unhappiness. That is why I support gay marriage.

My initial reaction to this was "Great, Chuck Lorre supporting gay marriage!" And then my SO chimed in, saying something along the lines of "That's awesome. I'm not the only person who feels that way about marriage." LGBT rights high blown.

So instead of me enjoying my Poppy R&B song this morning, I had to change the station before I started crying.

Really? After three years and emotional roller coaster rides in between, he still doesn't want to get married? Really!?! We live together, have basically been that way for two and half years, met each other's family, and have muddled through not being at each other's throats because of the close proximity ALL THE TIME, but he still doesn't want to get married.

Am I just naieve for hoping that he would wise up and see I'm probably the best thing in his life and would want to hold on to that? Am I dillusional to think he will eventually get there and man up? Or should I just ride out the next nine months of our lease and then move on?

Besides me keeping myself from crying, this is infuriating! What do I have to do for him to see how much I want us to have a life together, and yet he seems to be sabotaging it. Or were my hopes too high that this great guy would some day want the whole life (not the half life we are now living) that I think we deserve.

Fuck! I will not end up like my mother, holding on to a man she couldn't have for too long, only to see her life pass before her, and end up finally giving up what they had because she knew she deserved better.

This is not what I wanted to talk about today. I wanted to talk about how I was going to my Mom's to help her start living on a budget and create a savings plan. Instead I'm dribbling about the same old shit, again, and upset about what he has said before and now again.

When am I going to learn I have to accept the fact he will never be the man I want him to be, or just cut my losses and leave.

Ok so yeah, couldn't hold back the crying any longer, but at least no one's around to ask questions.

And it doesn't help that I keep having dreams about having a baby. So basically I'm an emotional mess right now and need to stop thinking.

Thanks for reading, if you managed to finish this.

Elbow Photos

Here is a close up of my first sling configuration and a shot of the offending elbow.

Here is a shot of the second, and frankly better, sling currently in use. I knotted the rope, making a large loop, and placed it over my head. The knot is below my right arm while the top of the sling is on my left shoulder. This spreads the weight of my arm across my chest and is easier to get in and out of, say when I had to drive last night to pick up my SO from work.

And here is the wrap currently on my elbow. My SO did a MUCH better job of placing it last night before bed, but I had to take it off sometime this morning to give my skin a chance to breathe. It's pretty obvious this attempt was self administered.

One might ask what is the best part about this situation. Well tomorrow is one of those not so often days that I have to do actual physical labor for work during a week day. Golly gee, yah don't say! I'm hoping I feel better by Wednesday night because I know, even if I am in pain, I'll still work.

There is a 50/50 chance that, like the summer, I will have to take one day off a week to help cut back the winter payroll (i.e. save my boss money). And though I love sitting on my ass and watching television at home, money is nice too.

Snark aside, on the pain scale, I'm probably a three. So really, this is just annoying. I've dealt with cramps worst than this while working. And I know if I go anywhere above say a five, I will go to the hospital. But, for right now, wrap is rest are what I'm putting my hope in.

Annoyance of the Hour

Currently, most of the weight of holding my left arm up is being supported by my neck. Saturday night, as I parked the car after a long day of worked, a shooting pain in my elbow made me yelp. I had hoped this pain would pass while I slept, but intermittently yesterday, while sitting at a light board for about 9 hrs, my elbow lightly throbbed. And when I woke up to go to the gym this morning, it was worse.

So I took a scarf and wrapped it around my wrist. Then I took a short piece of rope and used two slip knots to fashion a homemade sling. That's right; I'm crafty!

For the most part, it's helped. Driving to work this morning was fun (I drive stick!) and typing at times was hairy, until I adjusted the rope to a better length. Overall, the pain from the pressure of the rope on my wrist has out weighted the throbbing in my elbow, but I think I'll keep it this way for at least another day.

The last time this happened, I was in college, it was the other arm, and I couldn't manage to brush my hair. If you will recall, it can get quite long and, at the time, was longer than what I donated recently. I called my Dad, who told me to just rest my arm for a few days, which worked then. Here's hoping it will work again, cause my doctor's appointments aren't until mid December (stacking all three in one day!).

Photo of sling & offending elbow to be added once I get home tonight.

Photo Friday

I've been at this whole blogging thing for a while now, so I thought I might start a little series I'm calling Photo Friday. I carry a crappy little digital camera in one of my cargo pockets wherever I go. As such, I get shots of some of the interesting moments of my days. Here is a wrap up of the past week, along with a few shots I just love.


Clouds



Yesterday, on my drive to pick up the SO, the sky was filled with this amazing pattern in the clouds. I could not recall seeing anything like this before, so I took pictures while driving. And before someone comments about how dangerous this is, I placed the camera on the steering wheel and didn't look through the view finder to aim. I just snapped a few, hoping they would turn out. And they did.


Leaves



On a rather windy day last week, leaves literally blew into the office and all over the floor. The next day I eventually swept them up and deposited them back outside, where they belonged.


Orange



One day at work, I had an orange with lunch. I was able to get the entire rind off in one piece, and the shape looked interesting. So I started playing around with different ways to pose it and shoot it. If I could have, I would have saved it. It was fun to play with and looked awesome. Definitely my best peel to date.


Pumpkins


Last Friday, I went to a pumpkin party at some friends' home. (BTW: love their house; they are very handy and have already made things look better since they moved in, with more fixes to come. And yes, I will use them for my first home, assuming that happens sometime in my lifetime.)

1- Hand model, I am not, but I still thought it looked cool, the string of gunk that comes when you pop the top of your pumpkin.

2- That's a shot of the front of my pumpkin, though in retrospect I should have taken photos of the sides as well. I carved out the Obama O and a tree on two of the sides, but not the back. Didn't want to ruin the front effect.

3- Lights on.

4- Lights off.

Getting my hands dirty and carving my yearly pumpkin was a lot of fun, even though half the party bailed.

I brought a baker's dozen cupcakes from Cakelove. First time experiencing their food. Will definitely be back. Seriously delicious cupcakes, well worth the price. Two favorites: red velvet & German chocolate cake.

And thus concludes this week's Photo Friday. More to come in the weeks ahead.

Advantages of a Ghetto Movie Theatre

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I am deathly afraid of scary movies. Like ridiculously so. Like I couldn't sleep in my dorm room for five days after seeing The Ring, kept noticing the figure of a young girl in a white gown out of the corner of my eye, ran out of said room the first night, scared-the-shit-out-of-me frightened when it comes to scary movies.

So when I tell you I enjoyed watching Paranormal Activity, you should know something was up.

First, it is true when they tell you your experience of a movie completely depends on where you see it. If I had seen this flick in a theatre with just my SO and myself, I probably won't have been able to sleep Monday night. But we were not alone, by any stretch of the term. In fact, for a Monday night, you could say the theatre was downright crowded.

Second, for a person like me, how I dress is important. I went into the theatre, expecting to see Capitalism: A Love Story, but the internet lied to me. Capitalism was not showing and my only other options were Surrogates (no way in hell) & Meatballs (might be cute, but no). Considering I wanted to watch a movie that night, I bit the bullet and joined my SO for his show. But, I had a secret advantage: my home made scarf.

I love my scarf. It's warm, and long, giving me multiple different ways of wearing it. For Paranormal Activity, I used it to cover my eyes during certain points that I knew had the possibility of burning into my brain. Lets just say I saw the bottom half of the screen for the final five minutes and I am all the better for it.

Third, and most important of all, there were some ghetto ass people in this movie theatre. I had not been to this particular establishment in some time. Therefore I had no clue how much the clientele had changed. Phones going off multiple times, yelling at the screen, giggling and making fun of the movie abounded.

And you know what: they made me laugh. I was literally laughing so hard at the end of the show, my cheeks hurt. Me, the person who couldn't finish watching Seven (though, to be fair, I saw it when I was 12 years old; very bad idea). I was laughing and happy I had seen Paranormal Activity.

Granted I didn't have the experience a true "reviewer" should have. I was most defiantly influenced by the atmosphere in which I saw this show. But, as such, I must now recommend it. It is a slow build movie, much like the old school black and white films. And there are moments you just do not see coming. Well worth a matinee fee, or, if you're in a good mood, full price. And if you're a scaredy cat like me, go see it with friends who won't be afraid to call a spade a spade, or make fun of the characters and you for being so scared.

Reverse & Repeat

I'm not depressed per say, just sad. I got a letter in the mail this weekend from my health insurer stating my sessions with my therapists will not be covered past the 17th of next month. That means I have one session left.

If anything, I am fearful. I initially started going to her because I was going through a difficult time in my life. Lots of things were changing or coming to a head, and I wasn't sure if the wealth of emotion affecting my everyday was 1- normal and 2- healthy. Also, were the actions I was taking because of how I was feeling helpful or harmful to my relationships and my life.

It's been eight months. The time I've spent just sitting and talking to my Doc has been invaluable. Knowing it's going to end is unsettling. But aside from an endless phone struggle, I don't see my insurer okaying another round of therapy. In seven months they are kicking me off their rolls. Best to save money now while they can.

The Doc and I have talked about me paying straight out-of-pocket, in a conversation concerning the possibility of me not having insurance come next summer. I guess our time window just got pushed up.

Pile on recent conversations I've yet to touch on here and it seems like one helpful thing in my life is being taken away at a time when I still need it. I never knew one day a month could mean so much.

Why does it seem like the insurance industry lately keeps screwing me over.

My First Rejection

Well, technically it is my second, but my first was never getting a call back. This one was rejected. Actually, not chosen.

I entered a small contest on a literary agent's blog. You post the first paragraph of a story you are currently working on. That's it. I was entry #2446, I think. Today he posted the ten finalists, along with 15 honorable mentions. My name was no where to be found.

I know I will get a lot of these before I get my first bite, but dammit I had high hopes. Reading the posted finalists, I get why they were chosen. They were all good. But I thought mine was too.

I suppose that's how it goes. I love my work. Now I must find someone who loves it just as much as me and get them to pay me for it.

I know I have to take classes. And I have to write more. And I have to throw myself in this more if I really want to succeed. But yes, I had hoped this would have been a good start. And, in a way, I suppose it is.

No meteoric rise for me, but a slow grind to the top. Let's see what I can do.

PS. I'm going to a party tonight and this really killed the high I was cultivating since this morning. I made it to the gym all by myself and burned 615 calories cycling all alone, my only motivation from my iPod. I need to find my mojo again. I think a six pack, pumpkin carving, and friends are just what I need.

And In Other News...

We had sex. It was fun. Enough of that thought, until next therapy session.

What I really want to talk about is: I submitted a story to a literary journal Tuesday. And I am so nervous. On their website it said to not expect any response back for quite some time. So, for now, I'm buckling down and trying not to think about it.

But, of course, that's not happening. I trolled their website a little more and saw another submission window coming up. The specific contest requires an ultra short story, so I created one on the spot. The submission window doesn't open for a few months, but I thought it best to start now. Hopefully, by then, I will have a plethora of options to choose from for submission.

I know I have not been as proactive as I should be when it comes to my writing. Yes, I have created some good stories, but I have not made a commitment to anything long form. Rather, I rested on the concise, small scope of the short story genre instead of challenging myself with something bigger and more difficult. Also, I should be submitting to MANY more journals, not just one. Basically I've worked, but it has been lackadaisical.

To that end, well I don't know. The thought had occurred to me that I should start carrying around my laptop again, but I am still jittery from having my first one stolen. And it's heavy. But I find writing to flow better when I'm typing away, rather than trying to write out my words. My hands cramp; I can never work as fast as my brain processes. It is just not ideal. Then I pondered buying a net book, but I already own a laptop. Why would I buy a second computer just to kick my ass to do work?

So I'm left there. And the fact that the office is empty right now. So maybe I should be writing a story instead of this entry. Hmmm...

PS. My writers' group has been going extremely well. I have submitted four stories (two each session) with two more up for this weekend.

There is an interesting situation where people don't seem to want to step up and submit. Yes,we are small, but I have gotten away with submitted three sessions in a row. I wonder who is going to finally step up and say, "Why don't you take a session off?"

Of course, until then, I'm going to keep milking as much as I can from these folks. I NEED feedback, so I will grasp at whatever chance I can get.

Headache Making

Today hasn't been the best day, and, unfortunately, it is because it did not start well.

When my SO came to bed last night, it was at 1:48am. I know this because, somehow, it woke me up. In fact, I thought it might be time to go to the gym. It, obviously, was not. So I rolled over and went back to sleep, only to find myself devastatingly tired when 5am rolled around.

I woke up my SO and told him my keys were on the front table, code for: I'm not going to the gym today, but you can go by yourself. He snuggled up next to me and we slept for another two hours. In fact, we waited til the last possible moment to get up and out the door.

On the way out, my SO asked if I was okay. I said I was tired and, huh. Of course, he wanted to know what the "huh" was for. And this started yet another awkward conversation about our relationship and, more specifically, sex.

Important notes from said conversation:

1) In an ideal world, I'd be happy having sex once every week or two. He would want sex every other day or more. [Issue number one]

2) He is very touchy feely at home. I'm more a fan of PDA in public. He likes to stroke my breasts. I prefer he pull my hair. Basically we are not on the same page when it comes to physical affection. [Issue number two]

3) To find a happy medium, I offered we try a compromise number of times a week for sex and compromise PDA activities. He's now upset, worried that each time we interact sexually he'll feel like I'm only doing it to please him instead of myself. [Issue number three]

And of course this all happens the day AFTER my therapy session.

At least we talked about it, which is good. Of course there is also the problem that I did not divulge everything I was feeling or thinking, leaving an elephant in the room. Also he's going on a fighting trip to Ohio for the weekend, which is never fun for me. And I've been frustrated lately with work. Basically, my life is not going the way I want it to, and this morning just ended up being yet another thing.

So yeah, not the best of days today. The one thing I am happy about, though, is I wrote another story. And I'm probably going to submit to some literary websites and journals soon. I am desperately trying to get my feet wet.

In an ideal world, I would have us in couples therapy. For now, talking is good, so I'll stick with that.

On A Lighter Note?

Saw the therapist yesterday. Spent plenty of time venting, especially about my mother. Affirmed my decision to not give her money, again, was the adult thing to do. Also pointed out, though I know it is the right thing to do, how much guilt I feel about the situation, down to me trying to justify why she asked. Part of my homework for the next month is trying to stop myself from doing that, along with not giving in.

Talked about emotional things, like my irrational fears and trying to conquer them. In general, it was a good session. Will definitely come in with a list again. [Aside: I literally wrote out a list of the things impacting my life in the past month that I wanted to talk about. Helped keep the conversation flowing and not waste any time trying to figure out what to talk about. I'm good at avoidance and denial, so I guess this was good as a homework assignment as well.]

The hard part about the next month is trying to find the moment when I'm going to have "the conversation" with my mother. It's odd, me having to parent my mother even though she is a grown woman. But this episode, along with all the other times she's come to me for "help", and her two bankruptcies due to credit card debt, illustrate just how big of a problem she has with money management.

I won't give her money, but I can give her advice and (with the aid of a book) some guidance. After all, I literally took out a financial planning book from the library, read it cover-to-cover, and took notes. My mother, unfortunately, is a prime example of why we need a financial planning class requirement in every high school in America. If we did that, credit card companies would be none too pleased and maybe fewer people would be in bad financial situations.